10:54pm
It starts to get a little harder day by day. And I just can't seem to find the right words to say to people, can't find the right things to do to distract myself. I realise that I don't have a safe place yet. My bed is where I spend most of my days rotting. It's no longer a place where I can feel safe. I really don't know why this hurts so bad; living and breathing. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I don't see myself in the days to come. It always feels like this. This is always here. The heavy feeling in my chest. I can never shake it off. Don't know why. No matter how many therapy sessions I go to, I can never really get rid of these thoughts. Everything is so dull and lonely. Train rides home are especially hard. After a whole day out with people, it's hard not to feel abandoned when they all finally leave and go their seperate ways. Then I'll retreat to my lofty old coffin and left to die again. I can't stand being alone. Alone with all my thoughts that just won't let up. I'm fed up. I'm tired of having bad days that feels like it's being repeated everyday of my life. When is this going to end? When do I finally get to feel happy and be able to enjoy life again? Will I feel this way forever? It feels like there is no end to this.
