To The Very End

The CPS Case

Going into the courtroom wasn't the worst thing we could have done but going home with my dad was something I will never forget being utterly scared about what would happen when we got to our dad's house. I don't know if it was the vibes and energy in the car or if it was my brain going ten times faster than what it needed to. Trying to rack my brain to get back to our mom me and my brother exchanged a look and then looked back down at our littlest brother who was sleeping in his car seat. 

We pulled up to a little white house with a backyard that had plenty of room if I would've known that was the last day I could have been a child I would have ran instead of admiring the scenery. Trying to take it all in I just get out of the car and try to run to the backyard but my dad  quickly grabs my arm and drags me inside telling me that I am not allowed to go back there scared and alone I sit in my room trying to unpack and look stare out my window silently. 

The Next Morning, I sit in my room and cry because I just wanted to see my mom and I overheard my dad and his girlfriend talking last night about how they think our mom was bad news for us and that she doesn't deserve to see her kids. I can't help but think something bad is going to happen. I finally get the courage to go out into the kitchen and get some breakfast but I am quickly shut down because my dad didn't want me to eat his girlfriend's cereal so I go back to my room hungry. 

My brother comes in with a bruise on his arm. I slowly get up and ask him what happened he told me he didn't want to talk about it but he was ok and just needs me to let it go and pretend I didn't see it like I was really going to believe that I knew very well where he had gotten that bruise. I walked out to my dad and asked him "Why did you hit him.?" My dad just looked at me like I was stupid "Hit who?" Angerly I slapped him "DONT EVER TOUCH HIM AGAIN!" 

Hailey (my dad's girlfriend)  Grabs me by my hair. "You will not hit your dad little girl" She slaps me and I try to fight back but i am not strong enough no matter how hard i fight she just keeps hitting me and I can't help but think I am going to die because, by the time she was done I had a busted lip and I was coughing up blood from swallowing it so much, My dad just sat there and let it happen like he didn't even care who doesn't care about there daughter apparently my dad. 

I wake up the next morning unsure of what happened the night before I get up and go to the bathroom absolutely mortified by my own reflection. I break down into tears how could someone do this to me? Why didn't anyone stop it from happening? Was I just left to bleed? That afternoon my dad takes us all to the store and his girlfriend puts makeup on my face to cover the bruises. That was the day that I stole razor blades from the store about ready to end it all not wanting to live on this earth anymore. 

Going home and waiting for everyone to go to bed so that I can end it all I open the razor blades and start cutting my wrist one by one the blood starts to fall into the bathroom sink my dad walks in and starts yelling at me asking me why and all I can say is that I don't want to live anymore and that he is a horrible father because he let her beat me and he just stood and watched that's when the threats started to happen to tell me if I told he was gonna kill me. 

After that night I just gave up on trying to make things easier for me. We eventually got to see my mom and yet again I used makeup to hide the bruises and the scars that were on my wrist from trying to kill myself. I would sit in the car on the way to my mom with earbuds in and heavy metal music blaring to drown out my dad singing. When I finally saw my mom I just broke down. How could someone so beautiful look so stressed? My mom and I talked all that night crying to each other. 

I spent that whole weekend with my mom and then Sunday came and I was dreading crying because I had to go back but my mom couldn't figure out why I was crying because according to my dad we were having a good ole time and that my brothers and I  were doing great. Whenever my mom had tried to come see us my dad would deny her because he didn't want her to see what he did when people weren't around. Crying on the way home back to the place i knew was going to kill me. 

We got home and my dad asked me what I wanted to eat, thinking maybe he was going to start and be a father I was wrong he asked my choice and gave me nothing instead. I gave up, I didn't want to even think about living I grabbed the last razorblade I had and sliced my wrist open hitting a vein and passing out waking up in the hospital 2 weeks later to have my mom sit there and question her parenting and my dad sat there unsure what to think as I slowly drifted off to sleep wanting to just die wishing everything would just end for me.