Let Go

One

Three Years Later

-Harry-

A knock was heavy on my door but I didn’t move. If it was anyone important they’d find a way in. My fridge was empty once again and the last beer was gone. It seems all my money has gone to rent, baby shit, and beer. Sometimes cigarettes too, but I just buy those for Chelsea.

The knocking continued and I could hear someone screaming through the door. Probably Niall or Gem but if it was important they’d come in. I buried my head under the couch pillow and waited for it to stop. I just need everything to stop. It’s that time of year, the three year anniversary of Chelsea’s death and I don’t think I can stand one more year of it. Three days and it’ll be here.

“Shit,” I mumbled, standing up as straight as I could and heading for the door. I have to pick up Leigh-Anne.

“What the actual fuck Harry! I have work in thirty minutes and you were supposed to pick up your daughter two hours ago!” Gemma stormed in and set Leigh-Anne in her play pin. Leigh-Anne doesn’t acknowledge me much. I guess she gets that from her mum.

“I’m sorry, I lost track of time,” I scratched the back of my head and stretched my arms. She needs to chill.

“You know what Harry; I’m not doing this anymore. You need to figure it out before it’s too late. She needs you! I know you always have it bad but once it hits May you turn into even more of a shithead.”

Gemma pointed to Leigh-Anne who was being entertained by a beer bottle. Don’t worry, it’s been cleaned out.

“She needs you. I don’t give a damn about Chelsea’s death Harry! I know you miss her but you need to grow the fuck up and move on! It’s been three fucking years! How about instead of moping around you connect with your daughter. She’s amazing but you wouldn’t know. She needs you Harry.”

All of her words infuriated me. I know she doesn’t mean it. She may have disliked Chelsea like the rest of my family but I loved her. I still do love her.

“And I need Chelsea! I need her Gemma! I can’t do this alone,” I fell back onto the couch and looked at Leigh-Anne. She looks just like her mum. Blonde hair and straight as can be. The look she gives me when we make eye contact isn’t the same as her Chelsea’s though. Leigh-Anne’s look is calm and happy like mine was. Chelsea’s would’ve been more of a glare. I chuckled to myself; I miss her so much.

“You haven’t been alone Harry. You haven’t been alone since the day we left that damn hospital. Do you understand how much we’ve done for you? Mum, me, your friends? They’d do anything for you! Hell, most of them flew here just for you!”

Gemma reached into her bag and handed Leigh-Anne a sippy cup, taking the beer bottle away from her and tossing it in the bin harshly.

“That should be recycled,” that’s what Chelsea would do. I grabbed it out of the bin and threw it in the green box with the rest of the items I’ve needed to take out for weeks.

“Oh really? Well how about you spend the same amount of time with your daughter as you do fishing through the bin Harry!”

I don’t think I’ve ever seen Gemma this upset. The worst part is that it’s not affecting me. I don’t care that she’s mad. I need Chelsea. I’ve turned into a selfish bastard and it’s only getting worse but I need her.

“I’m done Harry. I’ll see Leigh-Anne when I can but I’m not babysitting anymore. Especially when you claim you have work but stay home and drink all day. We thought you were getting better. What happened?”

Chelsea’s anniversary came up. That’s what happened.

I didn’t move; I simply waited for Gemma to leave so I could be alone again; because that’s what I am—alone.

---

“Come on Hazz, just one day with your daughter. It’s her birthday for crying out loud.”

Niall’s a good friend. He tells me to do shit, I don’t listen, and then he moves on.

“I can’t, I have work.”

“Hazz, I’m sure you can take one day off. You need to start looking at pre-schools and I think this is a great one. And Aliyah said she’d give you guys a free horse ride for her birthday.” Niall lit up as he spoke of horses. I hate them; they’re large and too dangerous for Leigh-Anne. And who the hell has a pre-school on a farm anyway?

I handed Leigh-Anne a fry as she colored in some book they give out at Olive Garden. This is probably the nicest meal I’ve had in months. For one it doesn’t have dishes piled up to the sink and it smells like air rather than old pizza and toilet water.

“She’s not going to school at some fucking barn.”

“Will you watch your language in front of her? And maybe be considerate of the whole restaurant?” Niall spoke quietly but all of his other features looked like he wanted to grab me by the neck and kick me in the jaw.

“She isn’t going to school at a barn and that’s final. Chelsea would have laughed at the idea,” I chuckled while feeding Leigh-Anne another fry airplane style. Some days are better than others. I can smile and make silly faces with Leigh-Anne and she seems to like me. But most of the time she likes being around everyone else. I don’t blame her I guess; I’m a terrible father. It’s hard to try though; it’s hard to try without her.  

“It doesn’t matter what Chelsea would have thought! Chelsea’s dead Harry! Dead,” he glared at me and his little Irish cheeks turned bright red. I’m tired of people saying things like that. Are they trying to break me even more? My heart hurts. I thought time was supposed to heal all? It’s healed shit.  

“Look, I already signed her up and she’ll be starting Monday. It’s from nine to three and then they have daycare until five so you can pick her up after you work. I’ll take her Monday so you can figure out a way to fix your schedule. It’s not like you have a real job anyways.”

Yep, I’ve heard that one a few times. There’s nothing wrong with construction. I may even be promoted to manager if I actually show up on time and work harder. I mean, it’s not like college was an option anyways. When Leigh-Anne came along I had to reject my dream of Columbia University and becoming a bioengineer. I’ve never been so excited for anything in my whole life but Chels was completely against it. School just wasn’t for her and she got her wish once Leigh-Anne arrived; even when it cost her life.  

“You can’t do that Niall!”

“Well I did and she’s going. And Tuesday you’ll be going on the horse ride. It’s all set for after pre-school. Don’t worry, I know the girl. She’ll be in good hands.”

I kissed Leigh-Anne on the cheek and gave her the last fry choo-choo style this time. She definitely doesn’t eat like her mum; she gets her eating habits from me.

“What are you planning for her birthday?”

I have no idea.

“I was thinking everyone could just come over and we can eat cake.”

Our apartment can’t fit that many people. One bedroom and bathroom, half a kitchen, and small living space that includes one couch and a small ass TV isn’t really an ideal location for a birthday party.

Niall chuckled sarcastically and finally wiped the spaghetti sauce off of his face as I leaned back in my chair. I’m not ready for another lecture.

“So what you’re saying is that you have no idea what you’re doing for your daughter’s birthday and it’s in three days.”

I shrugged, crossing my arms and sipping on the beer Niall tried to keep me from buying, “caught me.”

Niall shook his head in disbelief and stood up, placing some money on the table for the bill, “I’ll be at your house Monday morning to pick up Leigh-Anne. Make sure she’s ready.”

Niall stormed off leaving my baby girl and me alone at the table.

“Looks like it’s just me and you kiddo.”

“Ni Ni?” she pointed towards the door as he left with a frown on her face.

“Looks like it’s just me,” I whispered, wiping some honey mustard from her cheeks and hands, not surprised by her want for anyone but me; the fuck up of a father.