Dialectic

the awakening

           

It's like waking up in a pool of water. Your eyes sting as you open them and realize where you are. You scream, terrified, and your lungs start to fill with water. You cough and cough and cough trying to push the water out of your body, but it's no use. Your vision starts to go black, and your chest feels as though fire is about to creak out and break your ribcage open. Your flailing limbs do nothing against the water, which is gradually getting heavier and pushing angrily against your aching body. Except you never die, and the pain never goes away. You would think that you would get used to it, but it keeps getting worse just as soon as you adjust. So, you just scream, because it's all you can do.

I bolt out of bed, still gasping for air. I wipe my forehead with the back of my head and notice the beads of sweat traveling down my neck. I watch as blood falls down my bare chest and soaking into my boxers.

In the bathroom, I steal my mom's tampons and shove them up my nose. Grabbing a washcloth out of the closet, I run it under some hot water that feels like fire on my freezing fingers and wipe the dried blood off my chest. Then I crawl back under my covers and fall back asleep.

"I had nightmares all last night," I tell my sister during breakfast the next day. My corn flakes have been soaking in the milk for too long without me eating them and are getting soggy. Still, I just play with my spoon, stirring around the cereal. "I don't remember what any of them were about though. I just remember they were... weird." I look up at her, waiting for a reply.

She puts down her toaster waffle, trying to play off the fact that her fingers are covered in syrup but wiping them on her pants. She blinks twice and then laughs, and begins telling me about her dream.

I say goodbye to her and go upstairs to my half-awake mother and kiss her goodbye as well. My backpack feels as though it is weighing me down and my arms ache from carrying my psychology textbook and my U.S. history textbook every day. The weight only adds to my overwhelming thoughts, which are nearly drowned out from my lack of sleep.

The first four periods pass by in a blur. A teacher bought me chocolate, and in literature we somehow ended talking about how great this really ableist movie was, and I chewed on my necklace to keep from yelling. I saw a kid in the hallway trip and land chin first onto the hard linoleum floor, his papers flying halfway across the hall, and no one bothered to help him. Everyone glanced at him as they walked by, but not one of them thought, "Hey, maybe I should help that kid?"

At lunch, me and my friends, Kimya and Ryan, spend our time eating syrup covered pears and making fun of this creepypasta romance that Ry found on Wattpad. Amid my laughter, I have the sudden urge to look out the window. As I look outside, I'm almost mesmerized by the person I first see. He is beautiful, but not in the conventional way. His long black hair is blowing in the wind, making him look like an absolute mess. But his dark skin pulls me in, I'm too far away to see the details of his face but the dark circles under his eyes are prominent even from this distant. As I look into his eyes, I realize that he's looking right at me. My heart starts to race, and my breathing becomes heavy, so I quickly avert my eyes back to my friends, who are busying playing footsies with each other that they didn't notice my zoning out. The bells rings soon after and I rush to class without looking back outside, even though my eyes are begging to look back at the kid.