Hey I'm TedKim1 and this is my first parody/story. enjoy!
Katniss Everdeen clasped the flask between her hands even though the warmth from the tea had long since leached into the frozen air. Her flask gave her comfort, for some reason. Her muscles were clenched tight against the cold. And she began to wonder…
What the hell was she doing here?
She was in the forest. Some of you might think that she was hunting. But no, she was merely applying makeup. Everyone knew that in the woods was the absolute best place to apply makeup. The sounds of the chirping birds were so calming to the avid makeup-applier. She set her flask down and began putting on eyeshadow. It was glittery. Because who doesn't love sparkly eyeshadow? Katniss believed that the answer to that question was "no one".
Soon, everyone would be at her new house in the Victor's Village. The reporters, the camera crews, and maybe even Effie Trinket, her old escort, would have made their way to District 12 from the Capitol. There would also be a staff thatshe could boss around (of course she liked bossing people around). A prep team to make her look awesome. Her stylist and friend, Cinna, who made the outfitsshe had worn in the Hunger Games.
Oh My. Gosh, she thought. This Victory Tour is going to be so awesome. She could stand in front of crowds and talk to famous people. She could finally meet the families of the people she'd killed. She made a mental note to dress particularly nice for the occasion. She was sure all of the families would love her for winning the Games. She loved when she get a chance to remember the Games, because she had kicked everyone's ass.
She believed she was just awesome like that.
The day was passing by and she still hadn't come back to her house yet. She would be late. She wanted to get ready for the Victory Tour. She made herself stand up. Her joints complained and she groaned. She'd been in the woods for three hours, and she hadn't even put on all of her makeup yet. This was a huge fail for her. Her mother and younger sister, Prim, would be so disappointed in her. It was like they thought she would actually help the family. But it wasn't like they couldn't get any meat. They could buy some in town whenever they wanted. But her best friend, Gale Hawthorne, and his family actually expected her to hunt for them. He couldn't hunt anymore because he had to work in the coal mines. That's what he said, but Katniss was sure he was just secretly at home, cutting himself.
You see, Gale had a problem. He suffered from depression, and whenever he found a blade, he would start to cut himself. He used to be so good at hunting—he hunted for both Katniss' and his families, but they had to tell him to stop hunting. When hunting, you have to use knives. They had learned to keep Gale far, far away from sharp objects.
Flashback
"I want to commit suicide!" 14-year-old Gale proclaimed suddenly. Katniss and Gale were hunting and they were slipping through the woods "quietly". Katniss wasn't really hunting, of course. She was applying blush as they made their way through the woods. Gale didn't seem to care—he was too preoccupied in his own thoughts. Of course, then, Katniss didn't know what he was thinking about. She had thought that he was thinking about eating a rabbit or something. But really, he had probably been thinking emo thoughts.
"Are you crazy?"she asked him disbelieving, pausing in her makeup-applying. And that is how serious it seemed, readers. Katniss stopped applyingher makeup.
"Did you not hear me? I want to commit suicide! Of course I'm crazy!" he exclaimed.
"The first step to making yourself less crazy is admitting that you are," Katniss said seriously. She thought she had learned this in one of the few times she had actually listened to her mother. Her mother had been so broken up when her husband had died. She was even more useless than Katniss was.
"Life sucks." Gale looked at the ground sadly. Katniss walked over to him and patted his back awkwardly.
"Aw, it's okay, Gale. You'll live." She didn't know what else to say.
"BUT I HATE MY LIFE!" Gale sounded like he was about to cry. This was so awkward for Katniss and Gale both. He took out his knife and held it to his wrist. He paused before he could cut himself though
"Aren't you going to stop me? You're my friend, right?" he asked Katniss.
"Well, I would help you, but I'm afraid of getting cut by the knife." She looked at the knife and backed away a little.
Gale sighed. "What's the point of killing yourself if no one cares?" he asked exasperatedly.
"Um, actually, I think the reason most people commit suicide is because no one cares about them," she said. She felt so smart after saying that. She wanted to give herself a pat on the back. She actually did. It was actually quite strange to pat herself on the back. Who would've thought?
End Flashback
Gale hadn't ended up killing himself that day because he wanted people to care about him when he committed suicide. Poor boy. But now everyone knew to keep him away from sharp objects. He was so emo that he had grown his hair out so that he had emo hair. Poor, poor boy.
To tell you the truth, Katniss really only hung out with Gale because she thought he was hot. But shhhhhhh, don't tell him that. Don't tell Peeta that either.
By this time, Gale would have been at the mines, taking the nauseating elevator ride deep into the earth. Katniss had always hated it because she was so claustrophobic and because her father had died there. And another reason why she hated it? She couldn't put makeup on in that kind of horrible lighting. Tsk tsk. She always made herself sick every time her class had to go down there for their annual school field trip. Her mother actually kept her home because she thought Katniss had gotten the flu. Of course, once, it really was the flu. Katniss wasn't faking.
Gale never let Katniss buy food for him and his family because "he's such a stubborn idiot", as Katniss put it. He wouldn't let her put makeup on him either, even when she told him everyone in the Capitol was doing it. Sometimes, she wished he would just give in to peer pressure.
She only saw Gale on Sundays now. No, it wasn't because they were both really busy, though that was part of it. It was mostly because she could only listen to Gale's suicidal talk for a certain amount of time each week.
Before the Games, they had used to be able to tell each other anything. Katniss used to tell him all about the new makeup she found and he would be able to tell her about the new ways he thought of to commit suicide. Some of them were actually very creative. Who knew there were so many ways someone kill himself? But after the Games, they couldn't talk about stuff like that anymore. They had both changed in the time the Games had taken place, even though Katniss liked to think she had changed more (because she's just awesome like that), and now, all they talked about was hunting. How boring is that?
