Get my life back

Night thoughts

Hi everyone,

I won't tell you what my name is or where I come from, I am not writing a CV.

Today I will talk about myself as a casual girl who's trying to understand who she is. And no, it's not a typical suicidal speech of depression from one of those teenager who really think that life is meaningless because their boyfriend (or girlfriend, it's a free world) bumped them or their parents keep fighting or so on. So if you are bored by these things I am saying please switch off your device because I don't give a fuck about your judgemental thoughts.

I have never really thought about myself until I got lost. Let me be clear: I am not lost in drugs or in what society thinks are only shitty habits.... I just lost sight of whatever my ideas and my feelings were.

Now I am alone as I have always been with a loniless I've always felt fine with, in my room in a city I don't know but where I finally feel home; still....everything feels so wrong. Why does it bother me to be lonely? Why now? Because I got 9 months ago a boyfriend for the first time and I don't wanna be away from him? No, that's not it. Of course I miss him....but that's not the point. Loneliness and my antisocial behaviour never, not even for a second, made me feel bad in my life. But now why? The truth is....that what I have trying to do this whole year was to be different. "Yes I am so happy to go to a party" "Of course it doesn't bother me to stay with your friends" "I will make new friends! Don't worry! I will try my best".......NO! Why the fucking hell am I trying to be someone I am not? I started to think that maybe if I am not able to be with people then there something wrong with me because the usual 1 or 2 friends I have and my bae think it's strange? They can but I can't: I am the wrong one.

I have always wanted a romantic lovey-dovey relationship with passion and...and desire...hearts burning and hands shaking willing to touch more. Now I am here, waiting for something....something that may never come. "Come on be patient. It's early. It will get better." Foolish girl. In the end I just became again someone else. Just a sweety pye-patient-comprehensive girl who is fine for what she has....or to be fair, who settles for what she has, pretending nothing and just waiting that one day, maybe, her fears of not being loved enough, of not having been chosen but just....accepted will reveal for what they are: TRUE.

I am studying oriental languages, and in particular Japanese. I have always loved their culture, their habits.....their mangas! ( Yes I am a nerd, have you guessed?) But due to my high school I got no chance of advancing my interests and studying studying studying studying studying studying studying I just almost....lost them!

I miss the thrill in doing what I like. I miss to feel that chill down my spine. I miss love.

I can't change myself. Nobody changes. People just pretend to be who they are not. But they fail.

You can't hide from yourself. There will come a day when you understand that even if you were alone, even if you were just a dreamer or a lover or a nymphomaniac (I am not here to judge), even if your interests were in disagreements with your academic performance......THAT WAS YOU.

I wanna read mangas all the day and get thrilled by cooking japanese dishes. I wanna be alone on saturday night without feeling pity in my bae's words of compassion. I wanna make love! I wanna have sex and a man who wants to touch me, who desires me, who leaves aside any kind of excuse telling me shit like not being ready when the truth is that is not that into me.

I wanna get my life back, even if it was dark, lonely and without love. I have plenty of time to overcome all of this and get these things at my pace. Because in the end is better to be alone than to just... feel lonely.