My Fault

Hi guys, okay, it is my first story, I have never published anything else of my own writing before, and I'm a bit nervous, if you read, can you please comment and let me know what you think about it? I'd love to hear from you... Thanks,

Xo Renzia

AFTER

Him

No.  That was my first thought.  My second was not even a thought, but it was all I had felt since then anyway.  Helplessness.  I couldn’t do this, this life – not without her.  I couldn’t go on if my only reason to continue living was gone.  Thought I promised to my mother, father, everyone, that I would never do this, never make a rash decision, I couldn’t think of any better – or worse – outcome.  I watched as the water rumbled beneath the bridge.  One sneaker on the edge, the other one holding me safely on the ground.  I took a deep breath.  And another one.  It didn’t matter; I haven’t been able to breathe properly since I saw-

Just one tiny step. That is all it takes.

BEFORE

Him

The first day back at the office.  The year I had hoped to begin with someone. The very same someone whom was looking at me with tears in her eyes, standing a little way to the left from me.  I pretended I didn’t care.  But how could I not when she was the only one who had helped me when everyone else couldn’t?  The only girl I had ever trusted my secrets to.  The only girl I could see myself with.  The only one I had to let go.  I turned my back to her, so she wouldn’t see my own tears.  I felt the lump in my throat, the one I have been wishing would disappear for the last month now.  I had never thought I would lose her, but I also never thought this would be happening, so I guess it all counts.  She did the one thing I would never be able to forgive.  She knew that.  So I had no other option left.  I had to let go.  She broke my heart. She crushed us.  She, she, she! She cheated.

Her

He had left me.  He didn’t even tell me why.  I had to try to figure out through the snide comments made by his never-been-introduced-to friends.  I finally figured it out, but only because the rumours had then spread into my little circle of friends.  The ones who stood by my side, who actually believed me – for the most part.  They told me the stories they heard.  The lies they refused to get involved with.  They told how I had cheated, how I had done the one thing that would never have been forgiven, the one thing I have never done in my life.  They told me everything.  And then I cried. I cried for me. I cried for him. I cried for my broken heart. I cried for his broken soul. I cried because he didn’t trust me.  Because he didn’t believe me.  Because he thought I had played him – used him, even.  Because he was certain I had done the exact thing his mother had done to his father.  The thing that ripped his family apart.

Him

The twenty four days I had saved for the holidays had blurred together, yet stretched out.  I couldn’t wait for my leave to end, just so I could see her again. Yet it was the most dreaded event I have ever felt the need to avoid, because she was now nothing to me.  Nothing but the past.  But as I looked at her walking by everyday to the regular place she always waited for her ride, I couldn’t stop staring.  She never looked at me, and maybe it was because she hurt too, but I didn’t dare give her my sympathy, I didn’t dare let her deeper into my life.  I didn’t dare. 

But today was different. She wore her red sundress, the skirt swifting in the wind. I knew exactly what the material would feel like between my fingers... In a moment, I lost her all over again. In a moment, I had given her a what if. A maybe. In a moment, she was still here. In a moment, everything changed.

For some reason, I got goose bumps.  For some reason I was scared. 

Worried. 

Anxious. 

Petrified.

Then I heard her scream.  It was the first time I had ever heard her scream, but I knew it was hers.  No one else’s could make me feel as if a building had just collided with me.  No one else’s would have made me feel ice cold, inside and out.  So I ran.

Her

I was thinking about him as I walked into the parking lot.  I have done nothing but thought about him for weeks now.  I have thought about the reasons why he refuses to talk to me, to make this right again. I have thought about the way he used to hold me.  The way his eyes lit up when he saw me.  The way I felt when he kissed me for the first time, and then the second, third, fourth... I was thinking, so I guess that was why I didn’t see it. The car.  The one racing too fast down the street. Right towards me. I had time for just one scream, and then it was all too late. Much, much too late.  It hit me, and when I landed I knew. I knew that I wouldn’t recover. I felt nothing.  And then I thought some more, because I wanted to hurry the process along.  Because someone had helped me get what I wanted.  It had given me an end to the pain.  Never again will I cry myself to sleep.  Never again would I wake up from nightmares about him.  Never again would I tell my family I loved them. Never again would I see my friends.  Never again would I have to think about him again.  A blessing and a curse. Me peace in Hell.  I opened my eyes.  I saw the sky, the oak trees, the glass-eye buildings, and the horrified people. And I smiled.  Because I will never be quite forgotten.  People will tell ghost stories about me, just like they had with all the other.  And I drifted.  I floated away, and I missed something.  Something I would never know. Something that might have made me try to fight the pull.  I missed the tear stricken face of the only man I had ever loved, kneeling over my body, holding my hand. Whispering to me things I would never hear. Because from that moment on, it was all over, and as they say: the past is the past.

AFTER

Him

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea máxima culpa.  My fault, my own fault, my own most grievous fault.  My fault I had let her go.  I closed my eyes, thought about her, and took one tiny step.