Unsure

Chapter 1 - Drifting

I guess I'm going to give this a go. I'm not too good at writing, but I figured why not give it a shot? I am writing this as a way to better clear my head with all its wandering thoughts and just vent them all out here, so if it's all over the place, that is why. I have alot of things I want to say, but I don't exactly have the right person to vent them to so I'm just going to do it anonymously as a public book in which I possibly help you and you possibly help me. So. Let's just see how it goes I guess.

°●°•○•°●°•○•°●°•○•°●°•○•°●°•○•°●°•○•°

Hi, I'm Emily.

I am 15 and I attend the local school here in the city. 

I have blonde hair and blue eyes. I am naturally slim. I am not very curvy. I am not very fit. I am not sporty. I am not very social. I am not super smart. I am not stupid. I am not dumb.  I am not perfect. I am not confident. I am not studious. I am not a rebel. I am not strong. I am not weak. I am not overly emotional. I am not stoic. I am not comfortable in most situations. I am not talented. I am not a trend setter. I do not even have a favourite colour. But worst of all; I am not me. 

I'll tell you what I am though.

I am, unsure of who I am, unsure of what I am, unsure of what I want to become, unsure of who to follow, unsure of what to do, unsure of where I want to go,  unsure of what I should and should not believe, unsure of what to become, unsure of who to become, unsure of who my friends are, unsure of what life has to hold for me, unsure of what I need, unsure of what I want, unsure of who I am becoming. Overall, I am unsure of me.

I am scared.

I don't know who I am and I don't  know what to do about it. At the start of last year, I moved cities. I had grown up in my previous city for the majority of my life. I knew no other place. So when my parents moved my siblings and I here, I didn't know what to expect. I had never been here before, not even on a small family holiday or road trip. I knew nothing of this place. I hated the idea of not knowing what this new place had in store for me, but I was somewhat excited. I was 13 at the time and the thought of leaving my 'home' for some other place never really occurred to me, but now that's all I think about. "When can I get out of this place?" It's not that I hate this place, there's a lot to love about it, but then again, I don't know whether me liking or hating this place really counts, I feel as though my views on everything are overly inaccurate, influenced by my parents, my colleagues and my so called 'friends'.

When I first came to this city I thought it would be like my previous city, where I would eventually know everyone, where my parents and my siblings would make friends and I would too. I thought it would be like it all was before, where I would be able to go through a school day and enjoy myself, but I clearly didn't know who I really was. I proved this to myself on the first day at my new school, the school I am currently in. I was extremely nervous, to the point where tears threatened to spill, not remembering anything or where anything was from the introductory walk I had taken only two days before. When I eventually got the courage to ask for help, I realised then, that I wasn't who I was before. I got into the classroom and sat there, minding my own business, when a girl spoke to me, asking me the basic questions which were mindless and simple to answer; and again, I was changed. I, for some unknown reason, put on a fake accent, ridding myself of my half British, half South African accent and instead going with a slight american accent. this could possibly have been influenced by her half american, half portuguese accent but that was still no excuse. I didn't undersand why after having this rather unique accent of mine, which i quite liked (I think...) I decided in the spur of the moment to change it, it was as though I had no control, like I couldn't change what I was doing, it just happened. 

I hate it. It has been just under two years and I still have this false accent, and it gets hard to handle. Around my parents and siblings I continue with my unique 'home' accent, but around anyone else, I change. It's dificult to remember, when you meet people whether you should speak to them in your 'home' accent, or whether you should use your fake accent. It can get very frustrating and I hate it. It needs some forethought, you have to think, "am I meeting these people again with my parents or am I going to meet these people with my colleagues?" 

I hate it.

I hate that I don't know who I am or who to be. it's like I'm on a boat inbetween the Indian and Atlantic oceans, with every wave I get pushed from one side to the next, never knowing which side to plant my anchor, I am constantly drifting. Not knowing which to settle in, not knowing what or who to be.

I am drifting, drifting further and further from who I thought I was, further from what I thought of school, drifting further and further away from what I thought of life. I am drifting, and I don't have an anchor to stop me.

°●°•○•°●°•○•°●°•○•°●°•○•°●°•○•°●°•○•°●°

A/N: I hope you enjoy reading. Like I said before this is simply a collection of my thoughts, which I might turn into a story later on, I'm honestly not too sure. I apologise in advance, I have a problem with commas, I use them waaayyyy too often. Please feel free to share your thoughts and criticise anything, whether negative or positive. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed. Xx