Unsure

Chapter 2 - Useless

I am afraid.

I have fears. But mostly, I have a fear of the unknown. 

It is not too bad, but its not great either. I struggle to do simple things, like keep my eyes closed for too long when they're meant to be open, or swim in the unclear ocean, or sleep-over at friends houses, all because I don't know what to expect. If  I can't see myself in the situation, then I won't do it. I can't do it. It really does take some getting used to, but once you do, you'll be okay.  

I am also afraid of being the centre of attention, however, i wouldn't call this a fear, it is simply a preference.  If certain teachers ask me something in class, whether it be to explain or read aloud, I mess up; I stutter and struggle the words out, almost as though I can't read, the words seem to get trapped in my mouth, gripping onto any nook and cranny they can find and clinging on until it's moments too late. If I am to explain somethimg or am put on the spot, then my cheeks and ears begin to burn, I choke on my words, my ears close up only allowing muffled spunds in, as though I am  going to pass put. It gets me to a point where I forget what I was saying and feel extremely embarrassed and just want to give up.

School as a whole is rather difficult. I don't know who I am so I end up copying whoever I'm with. I'm that person who "gives advise" to any one and everyone, and yet never has any for herself. I dish advise and "help" to any one who I think needs it, yet never apply it into my life, I never get any advise from people; yet when I do, it appears to be useless to me. I feel as though I can't use it. As though it doesn't apply to me.

I have had days where my "friends" start talking about future and the schools they are looking forward to going to, and when they include me in their plans, I struggle to stay calm. I listen. It goes in one ear, and out the other. I want to listen, but I can't. I want to be as prepared and I want to know what I want, but I'm not. And I don't know what I want. It got to the point where I turned my phone off when one of my friends was talking to me about new schools we could do our grade 12 together in, I pretended that my battery had died; all because I couldn't handle the conversation. I felt as though she had this whole plan set out for me, but even though I didn't know what I wanted, I knew that what she was saying was not what I wanted. (I feel like that statement contradicts itself but I hope you understand what I mean, or am trying to mean...) I couldn't handle it. I felt flustered and annoyed. But I couldn't understand why. I feel like I have no control. I feel like decisions are made for me 24/7 because I'm so indecisive. I mean. When I go to a restaurant I have the exact same thing as whoever I'm there with, so that I don't have to make the decisions myself for God's sake.

I feel useless, like a knife with no blade. I am there, but I do not fulfil my purpose.

And I don't know what to do about it, nor do I know what my purpose is.