spectator. [hs]

three

Thump.

I felt my eyelids grow heavier when I attempted to open my eyes. I turned my head to the left, catching sight of my alarm clock. 1:37AM.

Thump.

I mentally rolled my eyes before crawling out of my bed. I pushed the warm sheets away, the cold air now grazing my warm skin.

Thump.

The hardwood floor was freezing cold against the bottoms of my feet while I trotted through the hallway.

Thump.

I reached the door to the living room. I could faintly make out my father, his eyes focused on whatever was in front of him. Then I realized what it was when he laid down another picture, quite harshly, the frame creating the thumping against the floor.

I could see the white dress from where I was standing now. The bright smile on her face. He was standing next to her, staring at her intently with a bashful grin on his own face.

"Dad?" I spoke softly to avoid startling him. I could hear my heart thumping in my chest. My uneven breaths were so loud in my own ears, but I assumed he couldn't hear them.

I watched him pick up the picture I previously looking at. His eyes trailed around the picture as he held it in his hand. I could feel the pain coming back in my chest. The emptiness was returning in waves, crashing. I felt my face burn up when he started to place the picture in a box.

     "I didn't mean to wake you," he commented. The picture disappeared from my sight into the bottom of the box. "I just.."

     "Can't you leave that up?" I asked of the picture. His eyes flickered up and met mine, the moonlight shining in through the window just enough for me to see.

     Some days, it's not that bad. I can easily get through my day, and keep her with me without missing her too much. I can live with keeping her close, but not visible. And then, I realize she's not visible. I hear her favorite song, Dancing Queen by Abba, and I break down into tears. The reality that I'll never get to hug her again hits me. I'll never get to hear her laugh again. I can only remember her laugh.

    I'll never see her again.

   "You're right," he nodded. Sitting nonchalantly, he reached into the box, now bringing the picture back out. "I shouldn't have done that." He apologized. I leaned against the door frame, watching him hold it out in front of him.

    Her sudden absence started to haunt me in the moment. "I don't want there to be nothing left of her in here." I tried with all my strength to keep my composure together, but there was nothing I could do to stop the burning tears that welled up in my eyes. "Because she's gone, and taking the pictures down is like taking away all we have left.."

    Rising to his feet, my dad looked my way with a sympathetic look on his face. I could see tears in his eyes now too. I hated crying, so much. Even if it was in front of only my dad, it made me feel like a wimp. I felt like I was unable to conceal what I ever so wanted to hide.

     "Ken, I'm sorry." He stated under a breath.

    I used the back of my hand to wipe my eyes. "I'm going back to bed," I rushed back down the hall. I ignored the few times he called my name. I hurried in attempt to keep from seeing anything. Even the walls reminded me of her.

      I shut my bedroom door behind me, immediately feeling the tears spill down my cheeks. I shut my eyes, the cold door pressed against my back as I felt my body limply slide down until I fell to the floor. The feeling was coming back. The empty void that made my throat feel tight, my palms feel sweaty, and my chest feel constricted.

     I let out a defeated sigh through sobs. "I miss you.."