i'm sorry if i stop loving you
i'm sorry if i turn you into a villain subconsciously
i'm sorry if i get distant and remain that way
i'm sorry if i am not who you thought i was
i wish i could stop myself too
i wish i could stop my thoughts too
please know i am more of a monster to myself than i could ever be to you
i do not cope with things well
a tendency of mine is to push people away. a tendency that has gotten more prevalent in recent months. i suddenly view my friends as people i do not wish to be around, people i do not wish to talk to. i become noticeably disinterested, commonly mistaken for anger; although, i do suppose anger is a portion of my feelings.
only i can conclude a fraction of this is due to my own mental state. as i only display these characteristics when something traumatic occurs, or when i feel as if i am not who i was. my newfound, self destructive, healing mechanism is to push away all relations and all love i am provided with. i am not sure why, but i find that solitude is somehow better than being surrounded with caring souls who mean well but make it worse.
i wish i did not do this
i wish it was easier for me to open up
i wish i could understand truly why i act this way
for i am conscious my actions create hurt and sorrow and confusion amongst the people who care for me most. i understand i am ruining my relationships with no explanation to them. i comprehend that my mood can dramatically impact the overall feeling in a room.
perhaps i have always done this, i have always been one to be more in my head than words spoken. i have found recently that people listen to me now. i have become more dominant to my peers for seemingly no reason at all. i wish i was not a big impact on others, for i am not always understanding of my reach. i am not ready for people to sit and listen to me quite yet after years of silencing and ignoring. my moods and words come about in the same way, only this time people care and follow in my ways.
i do not know why.
i am not a role model,
i should not be looked up to.
s.d.
