No Need to Be Alone

    Two weeks. That's how long it was until Stuart had to leave for Germany. He would be staying with a photographer who he had fallen madly in love with. Stuart was ecstatic about the endeavor. However, John dreaded it. Not only that, he had fears that Stuart would leave him forever. John couldn't deal with that. Not after being depressed for so long. John loved Stu with all his being and couldn't bear the thought of never seeing him again. John maybe would've tried to sabotage Stuart's trip to the airport, but that would be even worse. John didn't want him to go but, it was the right thing to do.

      John shuffled alongside his friend as they made their way though the bread aisle in the grocery store. Stu chatted on about this book he was reading that happened to be written by a German author, while John only replied with "hm"s and some "yeah"s. As they paid for their groceries, John pulled out his phone, opened a drawing app, and began drawing abstracts with his phone stylus. He was completely silent. Not even humming under his breath. Stuart glanced at him as he paid the cashier. He gave a worried look. It was obvious something was really bothering John but, Stuart had no idea what ever it was.

         As Stuart pulled into their apartment's driveway, John finally spoke in a low and raspy voice, "I'll see you later." Stuart was about to protest but John was already gotten out of the car and started walking away from it. He shoved his hands in this hoodie pocket and retrieved a pack of cigarettes. John hadn't smoked in almost a year but he really needed the relief. John sat on the curb, a cigarette already between his lips as Stu went into the house. Stuart set the groceries on the kitchen table and ran outside only to find John had left. Stu couldn't find him anywhere near. He began to worry, as he knew how John got when he was upset. Why John was upset was the question however. Stuart sighed and went back to house. John will be alright, he told himself.

       It was around eight pm when Stuart heard the front door open and he practically sprinted downstairs. Just as John was closing and locking the door, Stu thumped downstairs and called to him, "John! Where were you?" John didn't answer. His head hurt and Stuart yelling didn't help at all. Stuart followed John to couch as he noticed John looked more disheveled than usual. He already looked like a dirty Mac Demarco rip off, complete with a tooth-gap acquired from an accident with a ladder, but today John just looked sad. He was sad. Stuart still couldn't think of a reason why. But like a good friend, he didn't ask why and tried to cheer up John by chattering about a German artist. John loved art. He'll feel better. That's all Stu wanted. 

     "Stuart, please try to be quiet. My head hurts." John muttered in a soft tone and began drawing on his phone again. The drawing itself looked angery and dark. It threw Stuart off a bit. "John what the hell is the matter? You've done nothing but sulk all day." Stuart asked as he noticed John tensing up. "Its nothing," John murmured as the virtual pen brush strokes got sloppier as John's hand shook.

"I know when you're lying." Stuart replied as he sighed. "I'm serious. You know you can tell me anything. " Stuart's tone softened as he put his hand on John's arm. John flinched violently as he shot what seemed like a glare to Stuart. "Please, don't touch me," John muttered louder as he got up from the couch and made his way upstairs. "John!" Stuart called out to him again but all Stu received was silence yet again. Stuart became very worried. John wasn't in one of his moods. If he didn't do something, this could get serious. Meanwhile, John painted repeated slanted brush strokes on an blank canvas. He slouched as music flooded his ears from ear buds. He looked at the paint brush, which was dipped in red, and wanted to cry. He really wanted to fucking cry. But he couldn't no tears fell.

    Stuart knocked on their shared bedroom door and muttered, "John? Come here please," no reply. He knocked again, a little louder. "John." He said in a stern tone. Still nothing. "John let me in." Stuart was about to open the door when he heard, "Go away. You don't need me." Stuart set his head on the door and replied,"Don't be like that. Please come out. I want to see you." Stuart slightly smiled as he removed his hand from the door knob. "Stop...Stop lying to yourself. " John choked as he raised the volume of his music. Although he only had one headphone in, it still blared loudly and filled his head. "John I'm coming in." Stuart stated as he tried to turn in the door knob but he only found it was locked. "John open the God damn door!" Stuart hated yelling but he wasn't to stand for John doing this. John was hurting himself. Whether both mentally and physically was unsure. "Go away!" John shouted as threw his paint brush down then threw himself on the floor. He held his face as he sobbed, however still no tears.

"I'm going to get the key to unlock this door. Don't hurt yourself!" John then heard quick thumps down the stairs. He sighed and rubbed his eyes. Quick footsteps were heard back up the stairs and John flinched. The doorknob rattled until Stuart opened the in an almost flourish and practically fell next to John on the floor. "John what is the matter?" He placed his hands on John's shoulders as John looked at the floor. "I don't wanna talk about it. It's not important." The last word made John's throat feel choked up. "Yes it is. Look at me John. Tell me what's wrong. " then it hit Stu. "Is this about Germany?"

    The other man said nothing as he stared at the floor. "Please John, don't tell me it is." Stuart leaned closer. John silently nodded as he spoke in a low murmur," I don't want you to go." This was selfish, John told himself as he turned away from Stuart. John pulled his legs closer his him and hid his face. Stuart sighed and placed his hand on John's shoulder again. "I can't be by myself. You can't go." John continued as he kept his gaze on the floor. "John I care about you but, I want you to support me. We have to both support each other. You can't expect me to stay here forever." Stuart was getting annoyed until he saw the sorrowful look on John's face.

   "I don't want you to leave." John muttered again as he closed his eyes and leaned closer to Stuart. That hit Stuart like a rock. John was helpless and he usually kept his feeling bottled up. Stuart should've remembered that. "I wish I was a better friend. All I do is hold you back," John sighed as a tear rolled down the side of the face. Stuart rested his forehead on John's as he stroked his arm. "John, you are my best friend. Don't say that. I love you." Stuart kissed John's forehead as John began to cry. He laid his head on Stuart's shoulder as Stuart rubbed his back, trying to reassure him. "I'm sorry John. I should've talked to you about it. You'll be ok. We'll both be ok. Alright?" Stuart spoke softly as he glanced at John. John nodded. "Alright. I love you too."

    As the night grew darker, the two had finally settled down, despite the break down they shared. John laid in Stuart's arms as they cuddled close. Stuart held John as the lay together and he buried his face in Stuart's shirt. Tears stained Stuart's pale blue button up shirt as he stroked John's mess of a mop. "I'm going to miss this," Stuart sighed as he gazed at John. John looked up and his bottom lip began to quiver. Stuart caressed John's cheek softly before kissing him on the lips gently. He tasted of cigarette smoke and whiskey. They closed their eyes in unison as John pulled Stuart closer and kissed him back. "I love you," John murmured again as the kiss broke. They gazed into each other's eyes until the two fell into a deep sleep, still entangled in each other's arms.

    The next two weeks drifted by as John had made sure to spend every moment with Stuart. John began to feel relieved and he acted more positively to the whole situation. Stu promised to keep in touch while he was in Germany which hearing that made John the happiest he's been. The morning of the Stuart's trip to Germany peacefully fell as Stuart woke up being spooned by John and he smiled brightly. Stu turned over and kissed John softly as John stirred in his sleep. He fluttered his eyes open as Stuart came into view. John smiled, "Mornin'."

     "Good morning John," Stuart murmured then placed another kiss on John's lips. John smiled and ran his hand through Stuart's hair. "How long until you have to leave?" John asked once they left each other's lips. "About four hours," Stuart mumbled as he scooted closer to John. "More time to spend with you," Stu buried his face in John's chest as John's heart seemed to do a flip.

   "Goodbye Stuart. I hope Germany treats you well." John smiled as he and Stuart embraced. "I'll miss you," Stu replied softly. "I'm gonna miss you too. But you can always call me." John smiled. Stu nodded and let go of John. He mouthed an "I love you" as he shuffled into the crowd of other airport passengers. "I love you too," John mumbled back but, Stuart was too far away. John shoved his hands in his hoodie pocket and strode out of the airport. "He's gonna be ok. Its Stu," John reassured himself as he hailed a cab and was driven home.

    John spent the rest of the night drawing at his desk. He had Grizzly Bear blasting in his ears as he drew figures. He heard a ping! from his phone beside him. He checked it nonchalantly. John had no clue what would befall him now.