Boots

Twenty Eight

Matthew slept soundly for the next hour or so. Ludwig and Feli had stopped by to see what was going on but left to play board games with the other two when Gilbert told them he was okay.
When he finally did awake, it was slowly and with a fuzzy mind.
"Where am I?" He asked nobody in particular.
"You're in my room." Gilbert said softly.
"Gilbert..." Matthew looked at Gil with hazy eyes, ones that didn't recognize him at all. He wiped them and they seemed to clear. "I'm sorry for coming here."
"What happened, Mattie? Why were you crying?"
"It's nothing. Don't worry aboot it." Matthew sat up and pulled his legs to his chest.
"It's okay. I won't ask again. Can I get you anything?"
"Uh...no thanks..."
"Do you need me to stay or-"
"I don't know what I want anymore." The words came out broken and sad. Gilbert felt his heart break in two.
"Matt..." Gilbert put his hand on top of Matthew's, not quite taking it in his own.
"I just...nothing seems good anymore. I don't think it ever felt right. I'm twenty five and I've never found a single place where I belong." Tears flowed freely from his violet eyes. "I just wish I wasn't even born."
That was the thing that completely shattered Gilbert. He pulled the Canadian into his arms as he let out a choked sob. "Please don't kill yourself, Mattie."
"I am. Not now, though. After Christmas so nobody has to feel like they went shopping for gifts without seeing me open them."
"Matthew! No! Nein! Please!" Gilbert's grip was iron clad on Matthew's shoulders now. He looked sharply into his eyes, begging him to come to his senses. "They wouldn't be able to forgive themselves."
"I just...I don't know what else to do." Matthew's voice was crackling like a fireplace. Gilbert felt tears travel down his cheeks.
"You do belong. You belong here. You belong in that room. Trust me. I've been doing this for years and I've never seen a sub as good as you. You could make a killing off of it. Antonio does and he's mediocre at best. Please stay with us Mattie."
"I told you...I can't...I can't love you."
"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THAT, MATTHEW." Gilbert shook the Canadian gently. "I just want you to be alive and happy and breathing. I don't care if you love me or not."
Matthew looked shocked. He didn't say a word so Gilbert continued.
"I want to help you out. You can stay with me if you want. I promise I won't try to get romantic with you. And then you can find clients just like mine. They'll pay you to play with you. I can even teach you to Dom if you want. That'll bring in the really rich clients. I know you'll be good at it." Gilbert pursed his lips. "And if you're not comfortable with it, then-"
"Gil...stop trying to help."
"STOP AVOIDING THE HELP!" Gilbert was panicking now. Christmas was the day after tomorrow, which meant Matthew would only stay alive for three days. That wasn't enough time. He had to find a way to get Matthew to postpone his decision so Gilbert could get a chance to show him that his life was worth it.
"New Years."
"What?"
"I'm throwing a party on New Years and you're going to wait until then before you die, promise?"
"New Years..."
"Do you think you could do it? I'd be pretty mad if you didn't come to the party because you're the guest of honour and all..."
"You just decided that now." Matthew scowled.
"Nein! I decided it a while ago...before you said we shouldn't see each other. I wanted to bring it up but you weren't answering your texts." Matthew was right about him making it up, but it was his only shot. "Just...New Years. That's just a week more. After that, you can do whatever you want. Just promise me New Years."
Matthew swallowed, considering the offer. "Okay. New Years."
"Thank gött." Gilbert sighed.
"So...Uhm..." Matthew gently pushed Gilbert away from him, freeing up his personal space. "What happened to Roderich?"