4am Thoughts

Facing The Wall

His smile was the glowing sunrise that greeted her
every morning as she woke

But that sunrise soon became a sunset.

She found herself unable to feel him anymore

Only able to feel the distance rapidly growing between them.

I longed to taste his sweet lips one last time

But knowing where they've been puts this sour taste in my mouth.

I can still smell your repulsive cologne but you're not there

It's the smell of you still lingering on my bed sheets because I don't have the strength to wash away the last little bit of you that I have left.

I don't have the strength to erase the impression that you left behind from all the nights you my dear slept so closely to me.

But I also don't have the strength to look at these impressions.

So for now, I'll continue to sleep with my back to the ghost of you and my face to the wall as I try to drown out your voice with my sobs

For it's not you I hear but rather your voice echoing in my memories.

The memories that I've tried to wash down my shower drain with no success.

The water dances with my tears as they roll down my cheeks and sing the sad song on repeat inside my head

I'm okay though.

I don't think I've ever been better.

I hate him.

But I love him.

And I hate that I love him because I want so badly to hate him.

I know he didn't deserve me

but some nights I begin to think that I'm the one who never deserved him.

Even though he was the one who betrayed me.

He was my Judas of Rome.

Yahudha 'Iiskariwt, Aldhy Khianah  (يهوذا إسكاريوت، الذي خانه )

Betrayed me.

Plans.

We had them.

College, Atlanta, move in together. We could've had it all, but I wasn't enough

You saw her and you wanted her.

I was only meant to be there when it was convenient.

You lit me up like a cigarette and smoked me until you got bored.

Then you threw me into the dirt and put out my flame.

I know I'll heal with time.

But for now, I'll continue to sleep with my back to the ghost of you and my face to the wall.