4am Thoughts

Evolution of Depression

Depression creeps up on you quietly. At the very beginning you struggle with the little things, but you usually choose to ignore them... "It's just a headache", you tell yourself, "It's temporary and it'll pass, it's just another bad day...". But it's not. You're stuck in this state of mind, you get used to putting on a social mask and you continue to live among other people, because that's what you have to do. That's what others do. However the problem does not go away. You struggle to put on a play every day and it starts to cost you more and more. That is why you fall even deeper and that's when you slowly start to back away from friends and family, sometimes completely shutting them out. All satisfaction is gone. The little things that used to bring you joy are now worthless. Even the simplest tasks become painful. That is why you lack motivation, now, why would you keep on trying if nothing makes you happy anyway? All of this makes you feel even worse and you get caught up in a vicious circle. Suddenly you find yourself living in slow motion. Days become indistinguishable, just white noise, just heaviness filling your mind and spilling over your body. You feel as though you'll never be happy again. You're ashamed for everything that you've done and everything you haven't. There is a part of you that wants to make things right, a sudden positive upsurge makes you want to go out and meet people, but it's all very short-lived, because you know it won't work anyway. Things that make your friends excited leave you indifferent and you become aware of the huge gap that lies with you. Another failure is not an option, so in the end you choose to be alone in your comfort zone where no one asks any questions. The low self-esteem and the lack of purpose become unbearable. You finally realize you can't go on that way, and two things can either happen;
You either decide to get some help. Or you give everything up