Starting Over

Chapter 20

Jan knew the second he walked in through the door that something was wrong. Ellen was sat on the sofa staring out of the window, there was no music, no TV – that was the unusual thing, and she looked sad....no devastated.

“You ok Ellen?” He’d had a busy day and really didn’t need an argument, not today.

She shrugged, “why wouldn’t I be?”

His dealings with sisters and his mother told him that he was on dodgy ground, something was definitely up. He could confront her, or escape for a shower. He knew as he did it it was the worng thing, but he had a headache, hsi body ached, maybe he was getting flu. As he closed the bathroom door behind him he sighed, it was going to be a long night.

Ellen couldn’t believe he’d just carried on into the shower, shaking her head she walked to the kitchen, grabbed a can of orange from the fridge. She was just draining the drink when she sensed him enter the room. Looking up she met his eyes for just a second, his hair was splattered to his head, his dark eyes watching her intently, when she dropped her eyes he entered the bedroom, finally emerging in a pair of shorts, his hair fingered into some semblance of a style.

“What did he say to you?” his tone was soft, but there was an accusatory angle to his voice. When she said nothing, he continued, “I know Louis, he can never resist the chance to interfere.”

Ellen sighed, “it’s what he didn’t say that confused me...I just....” she dropped her head for a moment before lifting it, meeting his face head on. “I went on the Internet, fell upon this.” She tossed the printed journal article onto the work surface between them and crossed her arms.

He glanced at it, then sighed. “So I was successful, ran a business. What does that change?”

She thought her eyes would fly out of her head she felt so incredulous, “really? Oh nothing! Just that everything here is based on a lie! Why wouldn’t you have told me that?”

“Don’t be stupid, it changes nothing. I changed my career a year ago, wanted a change, there’s nothing wrong with that.” He reached across and took her hands in his, “it doesn’t affect us, I promise!”

“You’re wrong,” she took her hands from his, “this is the same problem! You keep everything to yourself Jan, I know nothing about you, yet you know everything about me. Yesterday you were arguing with your brother. I don’t know why, what it was about, but it was enough to upset you both, now I find out from the bloody internet that you are not anything like the person you portrayed yourself as...you might think it’s none of my business...but....well. I know nothing about you, I don’t even know you anymore, and I’ve been nothing but honest, transparent with you. You’ve met my sisters, my family even my bloody ex-fiance and all my work colleagues. And I find out that you are this person I don’t know...you’ve thrown yourself into my life making decisions, influencing things, yet you’ve been hiding behind ”

“You say that as though it’s bad, that I’m controlling! All I’ve ever done is help you,” he retorted too quickly.

Ellen sighed, “the fact that that’s the only part of my comment you bother to answer says it all. I’m not expecting marriage, hell knows I’m not going there again, but I just don’t feel that you’re letting me in Jan, and I can’t be in such a one sided relationship. It’s not healthy. This has hurt me so badly, proving that I knew so little about you. I’ve been living with a stranger the last few months, and I can’t believe I was so duped!”

“You’re ending this? Us?”

She shook her head, unable to believe how quickly this conversation had deteriorated. She’d wanted to know more, instead, he was running away. “I don’t want to end anything Jan, but...I can’t be the only one giving here. I deserve better, and you need to be honest. You’ve not been fair.”

His eyes flared, “I’ve given you everything! Somewhere to live, a reason to stay here, an option when you had none, I even came to pick up the pieces in London when I thought that bastard might start on you again!”

“And I thank you for that, but can’t you see what I’m saying? I’m giving my all in to this, and you....you’re holding me at arm’s length, you’re always ready to turn and run, and I can’t let myself be hurt again.” She felt tears welling, she’d expected some sort of compromise, instead she was about to walk out on the man she loved, all because he didn’t care enough to let her in.

He was now standing, pacing, angry, “it’s been a few months Ellen, this is hardly the basis for love and marriage! You act as though I owe you my independence”

He was right, what right did she have to demand this after less than three months, but then this had been no straight forward time, “The fact that you see telling me the truth as losing your independence says that you’re not right for this relationship, and you’re not right for me. It’s hardly been your typical holiday romance Jan, we’ve barely been apart the in that time, I think we’ve talked more than I have to a friend or relative that last few years, and we’ve had more sex in six weeks than I had in two years with Richard. We’ve hardly done anything slowly!”

“And it’s not enough!” he retorted.

She shook her head, “no, it’s not. I thought I could do this, no strings, just enjoy the moment, but I can’t.”

“What are you saying?” he asked stood in front of her hands on hips.

“In London I told you that I loved you, I shouldn’t have thrust that on you so quickly, but it was true then, and true now. Your response? Ignore it, blame it on my emotional state, then you have the audacity to tell me that real life seems false compared to this...” she gestured around herself, “this fake holiday world that we’re living in.”

“I like it here. I like this lifestyle!” He was shouting now, angry and defensive.

“It’s fake! You’re hiding! I don’t know why or from what, I don’t know what’s gone on to make you like this, but sometime you’ll have to wake up, grow up! This isn’t forever....not this place, this life....but I thought you were!” By now there were tears rolling down her cheeks, and Jan was uncomfortable. She could see he wanted to comfort her, wanted to stop her crying, but he also knew that he couldn’t give her what she needed, say what she wanted to hear.

“I’m not forever Ellen, I’m no one’s forever. This is want I want. Today, tomorrow. I don’t want to plan, commit, I want to just be!”

She looked at him sadly, “and I’m not just ‘no one’, or at least I thought I wasn’t. You knew I was fragile, emotional, but you pushed this Jan, you chased me, you wanted this relationship. And for what, fun and the odd screw? Well...there are thousands of people on this island every week who only want that. So good luck!”

She entered the bedroom and pulled her two large suitcases out from under the bed and started to throw her belongings in haphazardly. She couldn’t believe this was over, but suddenly she knew it wasn’t enough, it had never been enough. Jan had kept himself distant from day one, she knew that, but she hadn’t wanted to deal with it. Her love for him had outweighed her common sense and her self-preservation. It was her own fault. She’d wanted more, he’d been constant, unchanging, and that was hers to deal with.

In the lounge Jan was sat with his head in his hands, hearing her open the door from the bedroom he looked up.

“I don’t want you to go Ellen.”

She smiled, suddenly it all seemed so much clearer, “I don’t want to leave, but I have to, and now, while I can. I changed Jan, I fell in love, and I’m sorry. But I can’t stay here and not have the same back from you. Not now.” She lugged her bags to the door, then came across the room to him, bending down she kissed the top of his head, “we always knew this day would come, didn’t we? As you kept telling me it was never forever, and I’ll never forget you helping me through this last few months, I’d never have done it without you!”

With that she left, and whilst she knew he wouldn’t, she was devastated that he didn’t try to stop her.