Thinking of You

Note: This one's really special to me since it's the first one that I ever allowed anyone to read. Two years ago, I wasn't so confident with my writing and there were a few people who believed in me, and who gave me motivation and still continue to. So this one's for you (because you read this first)

Edel, Angel, MJ, Moulee, Sil, Sasha, Juv and Miss Arlene. I'll always be thankful.

Prologue

When you're young, you think, when the day comes that someone asks you to be his girlfriend, you'd be so happy and fulfilled. It's like, a dream coming true. And when the time comes that he asks you to be his wife, you'd be so thrilled. It'd be like, this is it. Nothing could and would break you apart... Then your wedding day comes. Everyone would be so excited, everyone would almost be panicking...You walk to the aisle, with all the important people in your life inside the church, looking at you as if you're the luckiest, happiest person on earth. And then you see your husband to be and stand beside him. You look him in the eye and think, this is the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. And then you realize, Hey, is this really the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with?. You begin to feel a lot of doubts, doubts that have long been parked inside your soul, inside your mind. Doubts that have wanted to get out, to show themselves to your face. Then you ask yourself, Why now? This cannot be... The ceremonies start. The tension builds up. And then finally, the priest asks you the dreaded question. "Carlene Marie Sanchez, are you willing to take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?..." You stare at the priest for a while. And at your husband to be. The priest asks the question again. And then you answer.

Chapter 1

The priest was staring at me, and so was my husband to be, Dean. I felt like a kid being grilled about a math question. Only this time, it has something to do with your decision to stay with someone infinitely. This time, there could be no turning back. 

The priest asked the question again, "Carlene Marie Sanchez, are you willing to take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?..." 

I stared at them once more, my eyes gaping.  

"Honey, are you okay?" Dean asked. 

I looked at him and felt like I was about to cry. Dean left his life abroad to be with me. Dean sacrificed a lot for me-his growing business in L.A., his studies at Harvard (Yes, he's quite intelligent. He was taking his masteral degree for Business at the Harvard University when he met me during his summer vacation here last year). Dean loved me. He loves me. And I thought I loved him too. Until now. 

I looked at him and at the priest and finally had the courage to speak, "I'm...I'm sorry... Sorry...I...I can't..." I said. My voice was heard on the microphone, leaving everyone bewildered. 

"What? Carlene...what's wrong?" Dean asked. 

The priest turned off the microphone. My parents and Dean's parents went up the altar. 

"Carlene, what's wrong?" Dean's mom asked. She has always been kind to me. 

"Don't make a scene here, Carlene." My mom said. 

It was then that the tears started to fall. "I'm sorry...I'm really sorry...I thought I could do it...I thought I was fine..." I was stammering, "Dean...I love you, I do...But I just don't think it's enough..." 

"Carlene...I don't get it...what do you mean?" Dean said. In his eyes, I can see anxiousness and fears.  

"I...I don't think...I don't think I'm whole enough to do this..." I told him. "I'm sorry." I then started to run away, with no idea of where to go. Dean froze in shock. Both our parents didn't know what to do.