The Art of Being Perfect One-Shot

Bradley Hart

Breakfast was one of the hardest meals of the day.  Even before my eating disorder, I never ate breakfast. I was either too busy or too rushed to ever really focus on eating in the morning. The bathrooms were locked, and it tore me apart that all I wanted to do was throw up all of the food I've just consumed. I guess that's why I knew before group therapy even started that it'd be horrible.

I walked into group therapy and sat down. I tried masking the nauseous feeling inside me by putting on my usual calm facade. I looked at my surroundings. Ever since coming to this place, I've become a better observer. I found it best to keep to myself, and stay quiet, and because of this, I noticed things.

Kelani's leg bouncing furiously beside Emily, and Emily nudging Kelani to make her stop. Kelani in turn let out an annoyed huff, wrapping her arms around her chest. "I drink an entire bottle of Ensure and I can't even get a fucking break."

I mentally rolled my eyes at Kelani, and focused more in on the new girl, Emily. This would be her first group therapy session, and I could see she was nervous, although she did a good job hiding it.

It didn't surprise me on how far she had been able to take her eating disorder. Even though I don't really know her, I could tell she was good at hiding her emotions.

Dr. Pulitz walked in, shutting the door behind him. "Good morning!" he greeted, with a cheerful smile like every session. He took a seat on the floor in the center of the room, sitting criss-cross. "Does everyone have their ups and downs ready?"

Rebecca's hand shot into the air like her life depended on it.

Dr. Pulitz chuckled. "Yes, of course. Good morning, Rebecca."

Rebecca, unsurprisingly, ignored his greeting. "I have a down. Why is it that every time I speak my mind I have to go to my safe place?"

Dr. Pulitz just hummed in response. "Why do you think that is?"

"I don't know, doc, that's why I asked you."

Dr. Pulitz glances around the room at the rest of us "Anyone have a guess?" I knew the answer, of course, but I kept my mouth shut. He nodded toward me. "From my understanding, you were the last person she spoke to before finding her safe place last night. Any input, Brad?"

I shook my head.

Kelani raised her hand, taking the spotlight off of me. I almost breathe a sigh of relief. "I mean, we all know why."

"Please, enlighten me," Rebecca said, with a scoff.

"Because when you speak your mind, it's usually to degrade or insult someone else."

"Whatever happened to freedom of speech?" Rebecca demanded. If I want to insult Brad's Yoga class, why shouldn't I be able to?"

Because it hurts the rest of us and makes me want to shove my fingers down my throat even more than I already do. I bit my tongue as to not say those words aloud.

Dr. Pulitz stood up. "Good starting topic, let's expand on that." He walked over to the whiteboard. "If anyone, not just Rebecca for that matter, expresses their freedom of speech why should they have to re-evaluate?"

No one raised their hands to answer.

He drew a Venn diagram, writing Rebecca's name at the top of one circle, and then my name at the top of the other. I felt anxiety course through me, as it often did when I was put in the spotlight. I wanted to go straight to my room, curl up in a ball, and cry, but I couldn't do that here. Not without privacy, something I didn't have the privilege of having.