Will You Ever?

Chapter 114

Dear Alyssa,
I'm a fucking wreak right now.
I don't know who I am.
I don't know why I'm even fucking alive.
I don't know why I have a friend as great as you and Jasmine.
You guys deserve better.
You guys deserve a better person.
A better friend.
A better friendship.
A better me.
A better everything then I've given you.
I'm a depressing excuse of a person.
I try and try to tell my self I'm not useless.
I'm not a horrible excuse of a person.
People actually care about me.
I'm loved by people.
I'm not a fuck up.
I'm not a mistake.
I'm meant to be here.
I'm a good person.
I try to tell my self that but it doesn't work.
I'm good a faking emotions.
Last year I always faked a smile so people wouldn't worry.
So you wouldn't worry.
So Jazzy wouldn't worry.
So Taryn wouldn't worry.
So Mason wouldn't worry.
I did it because I don't like all the attention.
I like some.
Some.
Not all.
As little attention as I can get.
I don't know who I am anymore.
I used to think I was Tyler Rose Kade.
But now.
Now I do t know who I am.
For all I know I could be Dallon's great grandmother four times removed.
I could be Brendon's best friend from middle school.
I could be Ryan's dead child.
I could be Spencer's cousin.
I could be no one.
I could be a lost soul.
I could be gone.
I could be alone.
I could be consumed by the darkness.
Gone.
Never existed.
Unknown.
No one.
I don't know anymore.
I'm depressing.
I'm dumb.
I'm confused.
Love,
A very dead inside, confused, alone, depressing Tyler