Dirk Gently Holiday One-Shots

Thanksgiving

"Thanksgiving?" asked Dirk. "What's that? Some sort of America-ian-thingy?"

Todd stared at his best friend with a confused expression. "America-ian-thingy?"

Dirk shrugged. "That's what I call things in America that aren't in England. Like pants, or coffee."

"Coffee exists in England, Dirk."

"Don't be ridiculous, Todd only tea exists in England. Tea in England, coffee in America." Dirk proceeded to take a sip of his tea. "So what is this Thanksgiving thing? Why does it exist?"

 "A historical thing happened that involved food, so we used it as an excuse to eat more food," Todd accurately explained. Dirk nodded, as if this explanation made sense, which, in Todd's opinion, it did.

"What does one eat at this event?" asked Dirk. At that moment, he spilled tea all over his shirt and began to scream, "Todd! Todd! It burns, it burns!"

Todd rushed to help Dirk take off his shirt, hoping it would help. Once he was done, the shirt lay on the ground, stained and wrinkled. Dirk leaned against the chair, panting. 

"Thank you, Todd," breathed Dirk. "Yet again, you have saved me from a near death situation."

*****

How helpful was the internet!

Especially when you were using it to look up food at an American holiday so you could cook it as a present for your Assist-Friends!

Smiling widely, Dirk snuck out of bed early in the morning, trying not to wake the still-sleeping Todd. Once he was in the kitchen, he got out the rectangle, as Bart called it, and did the most useful one can do in any situation.

He Googled it.

He figured the sweet potatoes with the marshmallows must have been the most important. Marshmallows were the answer to all of life's problems. He began to work on those first.

He got out the marshmallows from the cupboard (the universe always provided marshmallows for him) and figured the best thing to do was to pour them all into a bowl. He wondered if the marshmallows were supposed to be melted. He figured that it didn't really matter, so he put the marshmallows in the oven. He didn't want to have to spend too long waiting for them to melt, so he figured he would set the oven at a higher temperature for a shorter time. He set it for 1,000 degrees for one minute. Hopefully that would be fine.

He looked at Google again. There was supposed to be a turkey...but he didn't have one. He supposed that he could go out to buy one, but that would involve walking. He looked in the fridge. Duck would be fine, right? It was a bird, just like a turkey, and they could both fly! Wait...actually, ducks can't fly. Neither, Dirk realized, can turkeys. Perfect! Two birds that can't fly! The two are practically fraternal twins!

He took the frozen duck out of the fridge and turned around to see that the oven was in flames. He shrieked, dropped the duck on his foot, cried out in pain, then fell into cabinet. He quickly pulled himself, ran into the living room, got a pillow, ran back, and began to beat the oven with the pillow. The pillow caught on fire, and Dirk threw it into the living room in alarm. Just to his luck, the pillow fell onto the couch, which was soon in flames, along with the rug. The flames spread to the floor, which then spread to the walls.

"Todd!" screamed Dirk, panicking. "Todd, I did it again!"

*****

Todd was woken up from his slumber by the smell of smoke and the sound of fire alarms.

He jolted right up and searched the sheets next to him. Dirk was gone. Screaming came from the other side of the apartment.

"Dirk Gently, I am going to kill you for this," he muttered to himself, climbing out of bed. He snuck into his living room, avoiding the fire, trying to find the detective. Dirk was standing in the middle of the room, looking around at the flaming apartment with wide eyes. 

Freaking idiot, Todd thought to himself. He ran over to Dirk, grabbed him by the arm, and pulled him out to the fire escape. The two men scrambled down the stairs, getting to the bottom of the building. Todd pulled out his phone, dialed 911, and held the phone to his ear.

"Hello, my apartment at the Ridgely is on fire...yes everyone in the apartment is out...the street's called Springburrow...happy Thanksgiving to you too...thank you."

Todd hung up the phone and put it in his pocket. He gave Dirk, who was laying on the sidewalk, a deadly glare. Dirk swallowed.

"I can explain, I swear."

Todd rolled his eyes. "This is the seventy-eighth time I've saved your ass."

Dirk grinned. "Tremendous assisting, Todd."

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! I hope you liked this. Sorry it was so short.

The next holiday will be Chanukah/Christmas.