Art Trash

AAAAA (Small Rant)

So currently I've been trying to fall asleep for like almost the past two hours.
Usually when I try to fall asleep I'm always thinking of something
Like a scenario or things like that.
Don't know if that's okay but I kinda can't help it ?

Anyway so for like the past... 15 minutes maybe.... I've been thinking about my relationship
And my relationship to everyone's knowledge is well.... gay. Very bery gay.

See my boyfriend is trans (FTM), family members don't know that, and I love this boy to pieces, but I keep thinking to myself.... what if my parents find out?

And GOD that would be the end of the world for me. Cause I'm not allowed to date, so if my parents found out.... I would also be out of the closet, and probably grounded. Right now they probably think we are just best friends, they come to my house like every other day.

So... if they were to find out, One I would have to break up with them, I really don't wanna do that. And two, I don't know if I could hang out with them anymore.

I would probably die.

So for the past 15 minutes I'm just like "ohmygod, I need to come out to my parents." As far as they know, he is a girl. But then I'm scared that they'll be like "So.... do you have a crush on ____" and I'll be silently crying in the corner

So also for the past 15 minutes what has been going through my head is "oHmyGOD I need to get permission to date"

Gooooddddddddddddd

But I'm too scared to come out ??

I need to do that
And I need to have permission to date
Cause I can't keep like,, taking risks,, I've done that way too many times and it's always kicked me in the butt.

I probably should come out
But in all honesty I don't know when or how? I really want to cause it's hard just keeping it from my parents

But then there's that thought like "what if they don't believe me?"

Cause I was talking with my grandma earlier about how One of my friends is gay and she said "okay but.... how does he know? Couldn't he just be going through some kind of phase?"

I was slightly offended but what if that's how my parents saw it?

My parents aren't homophobic or anything my dad has even told me "I don't care what you feel like you are, lesbian or what, you just need to figure it out and tell me once you do"

That like- H O L Y I was tempted to come out as bisexual (pansexual) right then and there. But, I couldn't come out in a petsmart
That's weird.

Also, my dad has been making a little too many jokes about me being gay and- honestly I feel like he knows already?

Me and my boyfriend joke about that a lot, how my dad probably knows already and my mom is just completely oblivious.

Okay I think I got off topic but anyway, this was a dumb little rant

I just
gOD I have to come out to my parents

I was playing a scenario in my head where me and my mom were in the car and I was asking her when I would be allowed to date (my brother was a borderline f*ck boy at my age like c'mon- and now he kinda is ((in my opinion)) bUT that's not important right now) 

And my mom being my mom she would,, somewhat... answer the question? But then she would ask "does this mean you have a crush?"

And I've always denied it but that time I would say yes

She'd ask who and I guess I'll just leave her to assume whether It's a boy or a girl
If she asks I'll probably be like "they're trans but.... I liked them when they were still a girl-"

And BOOM
I'm out of the closet

Harder than it sounds.
Idk these are the kinds of things I think of. I'm always playing small scenarios in my head planing out what the other person would say and thinking of my every answer for their response.

Idk I'm weird

It helps with things like this tho

But yea that's all

Maybe I should just wait till April Fools and go "Hey parents guess what... I'm straight!"

742 words