Random Short Stories

Dreams of Happiness// Wish I Belonged

Trigger warning
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I look around and see my Dad, so happy, putting up the Christmas tree and for the first time being able to have only blue lights on it. His girlfriend Jen and her best friend Monde cleaning up the big Thanksgiving dinner singing Karma Chameleon at the top of there lungs. The singing is super awful, but nobody minds. My sister Savannah, Jens daughter Julie, and Monde's daughter Maiya all dance around the house in Christmas themed pajamas. Were all like sisters even though we all have different parents. Our roommate Martin and Jens son Zach sit at the bar and play some complex card game I've never seen before. 

Just a while ago I was running around in my red and green checkered sweatpants and black shirt dancing and singing like there was no tomorrow. Now, I sit alone at the dining room table with tears in my eyes. I know i'm thinking too much. I know I should get up and blanket rave with the other girls but I can't bring myself to do it. I know i'll regret this tomorrow. 

This year will be the first with my new family. My step-mom has all of our Christmas decorations. All of the handmade ornaments from when I was in grade school. All of the ones we bought for ourselves or other people had given us as gifts. All of the ones with special meanings. She has mine and Savannah's snow globe collection we started when we were little. She didn't give us any of it. I doubt she will, even if I asked nicely. Its had me kind of upset all day that we didn't have any of our personal stuff. I don't know how it'll be the same without it. 

Seeing my family the way they were tonight made me really happy. They were all happy. Doing there own thing, being so loud our neighbors downstairs probably hate us, and just being happy. It also made me envious though, why can't i just be in a lasting good mood? Why do I have to crash back into sudden waves of depression? Why does my anxiety come through uninvited and bring scary thoughts along? 

All I could think of was how much I didn't belong. How happy they all seemed and how it was like i wasn't even there. Should I go? Did I belong? What was I even doing here? I remember going into the bathroom at one point because I could tell I was going to start crying. I felt like throwing up. I wanted to swallow a handful of pseudoephedrine and go up to my room and cry so hard that no sound comes out while cutting my wrists open, the effect of the pills giving me the feeling of my head splitting open until I fell asleep. I wasn't gonna do that this time. I made a promise I would never do that again. 

I dried of my tears and I walked out of the bathroom. I fake smiled as I walked by the kitchen and I sat back at the table. I will pretend to be fine again until i truly am. 

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So this is kinda a summary of my Thanksgiving, at least toward the end when all my shit started. 

Does it make sense that i am really happy sometimes and suddenly i am really grouchy and sad and all?

Idk. 

- Leigh