The Life Of A Complete Dickhead

27 November 2017: hi

It's been a while since I've updated. I apologise ah.
I don't even know where to start... first of all, I just read through my old journal entry's on this thing and I have to say, I believe I have progressed so much. I don't make massive stupid impulsive decisions like I used to. I re-evaluate the situation before I do anything, except certain things, but I'm getting better. It might have to do with age. So, if you're crazy impulsive just wait it out lmao.

This 'new school' that I am in, is extremely transphobic and I cop so much shit because of it. There has been many times where I have almost punched a person in the face because of what they're saying to me, or crying myself to sleep or thinking stupid suicidal thoughts. I am trying to reach out for help so I can become emotionally healthy, I'm doing everything I can at the moment. I have a few people I can talk to which helps a lot, mostly are teachers, one of them is a student, I'd love to talk to someone who is transgender themselves, because they relate the most. I'd like to state, if you're transgender and you're reading this, I love you and you are worthy.
I have been reading many self-help books and I have been taught some of life's most valuable lessons.. I haven't learnt
"how to control your emotions against transphobic nob heads" yet - but I believe one day I will find out myself lol.

When it comes to my dysphoria, my body has its own defence mechanism lol. It's called derealisation. It's the sensation/feeling that EVERYTHING around you is not real whatsoever, like you're in a movie or like you're dead or some shit. It's real scary, I believe I experience it because when I feel extremely dysphoric, I usually 'trip out' like that all the time. It's like derealisation makes me feel like I'm outside of the body I should have never been in lol. It's scary as shit but I'm learning how to deal with it, my favourite rapper Logic experiences/ed it too and in an interview he said that it was okay to have it because it doesn't hurt you.

I suspect this is a huge issue in the trans community, because it just makes sense. If you go through the same thing, Ive learnt that wearing sunglasses really helps ( I don't know why) and literally just breathing slowly and deeply, and feeling things around you.

Anxiety has been a massive issue for me, so I decided to join boxing. Boxing was okay, it was so much more cardio rather than self defence and so I got sick of that so I now practice Jiu Jitsu, I'm at 3 stripes now (white belt ) and I feel so much more safer than ever. Seriously. Best martial art in the world for the little guy, I know how to keep myself safe no matter what position I am in. Jiu jitsu increased my confidence. So join if you can.

I'm always here to talk.