The Life Of A Complete Dickhead

19 May 2020: Since My Development

Trigger warning: r/ape, suicide, self harm, shit along those lines, please avoid if you know you are sensitive to these topics

It has been a while since I have updated this journal, and some of you are wondering what has changed since my last update.

There were ups and downs, the usual. That is life, its a matter of how you deal with it, really. I did experience huge dysphoric episodes between that period, a small but acute depressive episode too. I was suicidal again after graduating. It's like I had completed my goals, my purpose vanished, and depression appeared again.

What did I do about it? Well it's awfully hard to create a purpose when you are waiting to fulfill your purpose (university semester starts in march and I had months between that period of time). What else was there to do? Similarly to this COVID-19 situation at the moment, there isn't much to do at home and seeing your friends every now and then. It was a cycle, everyday was the same, and that's why my brain chemistry was like yeet! Depression time!

My therapist responded by telling me that anti-depressants were the way to go. I took the risk. I am better. I think it is really important to highlight (which I failed to do previously), that depression isn't ONLY caused by social or environmental factors. It can be caused by biological factors, which can be sorted out with medication. So, when I say "find your purpose", yes, it is hellaaaa important, but it is ALSO important to see a therapist to make sure it isn't ONLY environmental and social factors that you can alter. I am just highlighting what personally works for me, not every solution I come up with is an answer for everyone's experiences with a specific problem.

I have been on medication for months now, it has definitely transformed my life. Medication + therapy = vibes.

What isn't vibes is that my addiction (which I have never mentioned), is suffering, which is good right? Well yes, but no. I feel the need to address my addiction so you folks don't get warped in it like I did. Pornography. Yay, the objectification of human beings for the production of wealth! Capitalism! I would literally explain why porn is absolutely horrible for the brain, but I can't be bothered to, because there is a lot to cover and they all interlink. If you're interested, "Your Brain on Porn", a simple google search, a word full of gloom. Here, I know most of you are lazy so ill give you a few reasons why it isn't beneficial to watch.

1. The more porn you watch, the more desensitized you are to it; so if I watch one video for the first time it would be like "wOaH" and now its been my 58934787354th time, so i spend most hours/minutes trying to find the "right video".  An example is when you have a kink for hardcore/rough sex, the first video would consist of choking, slapping, bondage, then you would move on to extremely violent porn, role play that could consist of rape, or attempted murder even. (this isn't me personally, but its just an example that highlights exactly what I'm talking about)

2. Due to the objectification that porn has regarding women (and men), studies have shown that men who watch porn are more prone to being sexist, and objectify women in everyday life. This is because porn just messes with your subconscious.

3. You truly, NEVER know, whether or not the sex workers are actually of age or getting r/ped, UNLESS they are verified. PornHub didn't know that an underage girl (getting r/ped) was on the top 5 trending videos of that week. That is because anyone can upload any video at any time, it is hard to keep up with the amount of videos uploaded, and to monitor them. Plus, do you really think a bunch of rich assholes give a shit? They are making money! We live in the age of capitalism. No one cares about what is good or bad, it is about money or bye bye felicia.

I am so addicted, I used to watch it (and uh, touchy feely) for 4 HOURS every single night. Sometimes it would be from 9PM to 1AM, it was my routine. Not because I was in the mood, but simply because I just HAVE to see pornography for some reason.. and of course, watching it puts me in the mood so my behaviour would follow lmao. Now, I don't watch it for 4 hours every night, but more so, when I do my work, I cannot concentrate and I take a "break" by watching or looking at the content. It really has taken over my life. I support sex workers whole heartedly, they have a job to do, so if you want to consume porn and support their livelihoods,  make sure they're age verified, or if they're working for a porn brand, etc. there are steps you can take to support these people and avoid the shit side of things, because they are humans too.

Anyways, that is my issue, and hopefully I am able to let you know how to overcome an issue like this in the future if you're going through this too, but my point is that anti-depressants have taken away my ability to fiNiSh if you know what I mean, so I am permanently blue balled until I'm off my medication, and I do not want to experience another depressive episode for the sake of me finishing, so, someone please help me LMAO. Anyways, I got side tracked.

Ive been asked multiple times if anti-depressants have altered my dysphoria at all or eased it, and it somewhat has. I am more confident on medication for some reason, I do not hate myself. I am still dysphoric but its not to the point I want to self harm, commit suicide, or anything self destructive. I am still pre-testosterone and surgery. So this is huge. I am guessing depression had a role in contributing to my dysphoria. Maybe keep that theory in mind, it can help you if you suffer from gender dysphoria.

Nonetheless, general update; I am turning 18 in a few weeks time, university is great but sometimes stressful, my self esteem is sky rocketing and I'm just vibing with my existence. I hope this update gave you a little more of a scope into how medication can help with depression *personally*, and how pornography needs to be consumed carefully. It is my job to suffer and humiliate myself publicly on this shit, so you humans can avoid my dumbass mistakes and find things that can help you.

Also, this is me now, since i've gotten a few messages of people asking wtf I look like, yes this is me. If you want to see my hideous face more but my appealing edits you are welcome to follow me on instagram of course.

Here if y'all need to talk!