Weird Oneshots

(Fluff) Barney and Clifford

It was a day just like any other. Barney the Purple Dinosaur had gotten up at the rise of the sun, filmed with the kids all day, went grocery shopping, and came home to watch Modern Family by 6:00pm. As he sat in front of the television, eating a lukewarm TV dinner, he thought of the redundancy that was his life. Sure, he was a celebrity in the eyes of those under the age of eight, and sure, sometimes he would watch something other than Modern Family, but his days were all the same. Barney found himself becoming emptier and emptier as he tried to remember the last day something significant happened. But as he worked his brain harder than a pornstar's dick at a bukkake party, there was nothing that stood out to him as special. Did he ever do anything fun? Was he even important?

It was with these thoughts that bounced in Barney's head until he began to cry. His purple dinosaur heart was shattered at his own irrelevancy. How he let his life become so meaningless was a mystery to him. Tear after tear, sob after sob, Barney expelled his feelings until he was numb. The depressed dinosaur got up from the couch and looked in the bathroom mirror at himself. His eyeliner streaked down his face, and his hollow eyes showed no sign of life. He was dead inside, and though Barney speculated how long he had been plagued with the feeling of nothingness, but because all his days blended together, he could not tell. Perhaps it was just days, or maybe The Void had flown through his veins since infancy. Only God knew the answer.

"God." Barney thought.

As if on autopilot, Barney left his apartment and began to walk. He didn't know where his feet were taking him, but he knew he had to go. As God's name bounced on his faded lips, his fragmented mind tried to make sense of everything going on at the moment. The further he strayed from his home, the louder his lips bounced. By the time he arrived at the bridge, he was practically screaming to the Heavens. His throat burned like fire burned a paper, the pain consuming him with every yell. The cold wind was bitter, and Barney swore he could feel it chiseling away his strength. The sound of the busy highway not but a mile away seemed to come in waves, honks and skid sounds would ring in the purple dinosaur's ears, and then fade away as if the night had the power to silence who it fell upon.

"God," Barney leaned over the bridge railing and peered into the water, "When I see you, tell me how long I've been a vessel of The Void."

And without a moment's hesitation, Barney began to climb over the railing. The water was a good 20 yards away at minimum, and though the thought of jumping to your death is daunting, Barney was dauntless.

He counted down in his head, letting himself process his final thoughts.

5
"I can do this."

4
"I am not afraid."

3
"I hope the kids won't be sad."

2
"I'm ready."

1
"Goodbye."

Just as he was about to jump, he felt a secure arm wrap around him, pinning him to the bridge fence.

"Oi mate!! Don't fucking do this! Let's talk it out!" A raspy voice with an English accent yelled. Barney was so taken aback that he gasped audibly. He looked down to see that it wasn't an arm that was touching him, but a big, red, paw. Barney turned around, and to his bewilderment, he saw a giant Labrador retriever behind him. The dinosaur stared at the dog, who must've been a good eight feet tall, and tried to form a sentence. "No, please, allow death to me!" Barney cried nervously. "No mate, this is not the way. Whatever you're going through, you can get through. Just, please, stay with me, talk to me." The terrified dog pleaded.

Barney thought about putting up a fight. Why would this stranger want him to live? What does it matter to him anyways? But by the strong paw that was now supporting his lower back, and the loving look in the dog's eyes, Barney knew he had to comply. Shivering, Barney nodded, and allowed the red lab to help him back over the fence. Once the dinosaur was securely on the safe side of the bridge, the scarlet pup took off his sweater and draped it over Barney's shoulders. Nearby, there was a bench, where the pair took a seat. At first, they sat in silence, both of them trying to wrap their heads around what was happening. Then the dog spoke.

"My name is Clifford, and I know you're Barney. I've got a niece who watches your show all the time." The pup said. Barney nodded. "Nice to meet you Clifford." He said. Clifford opened his mouth again, but this time he spoke in a more serious tone. "I know you aren't drunk from the look of you, so I can rule that out easily. You make lots of money from your show, in fact your net worth is pretty high, so I know financial stress isn't the reason. So, with this in mind, why were you going to commit suicide? What's troubling you?" Clifford asked.

Barney typically didn't talk to anyone, especially about his problems. But he felt a genuine sense of love and trust with this stranger, and to his own shock, he began telling Clifford what was wrong. He told the dog about his boring monochrome life, and how it made him feel like he wasn't doing anything but slaving away to a television network that didn't really care about him. He spoke up about other problems too, ones that resurfaced in conversation. Barney talked about his agoraphobia and how it was hard to leave the house to film, his eating disorder, and his suicidal ideation. As Barney unloaded his feelings, Clifford sat right beside him, hip to hip, with his long arm wrapped around the dinosaur tightly, listening intently. By the time Barney had finished, he was in tears once more. Clifford let the dinosaur cry into his shoulder, and even hugged him too. To be honest, Clifford enjoyed having Barney in his arms. It just felt right, and he hoped it felt right to Barney too.

"Shhhh, Barney, it's okay. You are safe right now. I'm not going to let you hurt yourself, I'm here for you. I'm in your life now, and we're going to get you strong again." Clifford cooed into the suicidal creature's ear. "I know that right now, life seems pointless. You want to give up, and that is understandable. But I won't let that happen, no. I'm your best mate now, and we are going to figure out the reasons why you hurt and how to combat those reasons. And once we figure everything out, things will get better. I will not save you, but I will stand right by your side while you save yourself, and I will support you all the way. Take me to your home, and we can escape the cold and talk there, yeah?" Clifford said.

Barney nodded, and the two boys got up and walked to Barney's house in comfortable quiet. Not more than 15 minutes later, both of the animals sat side by side on the couch, just how they did at the bench, and they talked. They talked and cried for a while, and figured out Barney's problems together. But after a few hours, the dinosaur's head began to ache.

"Cliff, I appreciate this so much, I really do. But my head hurts almost as much as my heart, and I just want to sleep." Barney confessed. "Oh yeah, of course, it's what, 2am? I'll get going then." Clifford responded. As Clifford got up from the couch, Barney was hit with a pang of loneliness. "W-wait, no," The dinosaur objected, "Please, stay with me. I don't want to be alone tonight. I need you."

Clifford was taken aback. The words he heard shook him, but he was happy that Barney wanted him. He turned around and looked back, and what he saw made his heart beat in such a way, it could cause a heart attack. He saw a vulnerable young boy, with glossy eyes that carried pain staring back at him. Barney's thin frame trembled as he sat upon an old couch with tears in the fabric. The dinosaur looked at Clifford with hope, for he thought, maybe, just maybe, Clifford was his way out of his suffering.