Inappropriate Swear Word Here

"Love?"

Blue is such a pretty colour, I thought to myself, maybe that's why mom named me that. My hand was positioned above my face as I laid there melting in the heat. It wasn't as bad as Mom's home country, but I've never been, so I'm not able to say anything. Being the middle of summer in a small town close to Seattle it was rather the hottest that I have probably ever endured. But it's Seattle, the home of the most bipolar weather known to the United States. God, I repositioned my body and moved my hand under my head, laying on my side, why does it have to be so hot? I really did think I was dying for a moment there when the only gust of air that came in was hot and humid.

Laying here is not really my idea of a good summer. Well, it never is, but I'm always stuck at home while my "friends" are all out enjoying themselves. Some friends they are... And the best part is that I get messages about all of the things I'm not invited to. Like: "Wasn't that party yesterday fun," or, "Wow he was just so crazy, and then we went out for drinks." It's like they don't even know if I am there or not. Which is so disconcerning, meaning that my existance is unnoticable. My presence is not even acknowleged. "Heh," I turned onto the other side of the bed, "I must really be special."

Tumblr and the internet fuel my will to go on. When I am sad or when I need someone, there are always that one post that I will see and it just pushes me further. It is like a sign that helps me to push myself farther than I would ever be if I didn't have that help. The sun was going down and the evening breeze was drafting into the room. I pondered the chips in my nail polish and contemplated whether I should paint them. Ah, my toes curled and I crossed one of my legs upon the other, I wonder why I am so depressed... My thoughts drifted to my current relationship status.

'Hahaha," I bursted into laughter as the lack of relationship came into my mind. Love is such a joke. For all that I've seen, most of the love I get is the friendly and family kind. But even as my family is there and my friends are, well kinda, there, I never feel any of it. Love is an unfamiliar state of being for me. Not only is it hard for me to notice it, but it is also very hard for me to accept it and give it in return. All I've ever done is love love, I am literally in love with love. God that word is just so meaningless now.

Everyone says they love each other. Watch and see what happens when your best friend finds out that you both have the same crush. Will you love each other then when you are fighting over him/her? After the whole thing is done and over with, will you even talk to your "best friend?" When you get into an arguement with someone, all you do is say you love them and that will be the end of it, right? Of course that word should be use lightly. It should be used to get something from someone. To exploit the feelings of that one hot chick. To use the abilities of the rich man you call "husband." Never ever should it be used to express your feelings toward someone that you truely feel everything for. To tell them what it is to live for someone. To show them that you truely care, and need to express it in some shape or form. Never. 

Eh, I should really stop being a sour puss. But how can I? What has happened to me has left a horrible mark on my soul. And the largest, ugliest, and unwanted scar on my heart. While these thoughts were juggled by the ring master of my mind, my chest started to physically hurt. I never knew how to handle this, or why it happened. Why are my thoughts being projected into the rest of my body? Why are they physically hurting me? Isn't my mental and emotional state enough torture? Apperently not, for the pain keeps coming. I started to clutch my shirt and curl into myself. Moisture started to form on the bottom of my sight. The world outside of me started to look warped as the watery substance in my eyes free fell from them. 

I've cried so much that I am certain that I could fill the Mississppi River. Probably enough to fill the Gulf of Mexico while I'm at it. Chuckling to myself I get ready to fall asleep. The tears that made my face damp had given me a nice little cold breeze on my face. I tried to smile through them. But well, tomorrow I can fake the smiles, right?