The Vampire's Guide to the Afterlife

Introduction

If you so happen to be in possession of this book, I have some news for you. You're a vampire now. Congratulations! Before you get to drinking as much blood as a university fresher does alcohol, there are some important home truths you need to be told.

1. Everyone you know and love is going to die.

Even you, dear reader, are going to die. You're probably thinking: "but vampires are immortal?!" Supposedly, yes. But once you reach the grand old age of 985, you're a little bit more fragile than a young and spritely 100 year old vampire, thus much more susceptible to injury resulting in death. Moving on from that tangent, your whole family and everyone you hold near and dear to you is going to die way before you do. It is not recommended to turn blood relatives into vampires, nor significant others, as the transformation process can be quite painful and cause the transformer to end up killing the transformee to end their suffering.

2. Be careful what you wish for.

In my 500 years of life, I have heard many people ask to become a vampire, not knowing what this fully entails. Authors like Bram Stoker (Dracula), John William Polidori (The Vampyre) and Stephenie Meyer (The Twilight Saga) romanticise what life as a vampire is like. We can't all afford to live in castles or be lords or live in a random part of Washington and sweep a girl into all your drama. That's not how being a vampire works. There are sacrifices that have to be made, nobody should want to be a vampire. It is difficult, it is hard, but with this guide, coming to terms with your vampiredom should be a little less scary, and a little more care-y.