Forever is Composed of Nows

The Change

If you've ever been a low dog on campus, a noobie, an unpopular kid, let me assure you, being on the top of the totem pole isn't much better.

The ideal middle kids have everything they need. Friends, family, happiness, and the perfect amount of chaos to make their life seem as like a teenager's life should. While in the position of the middle kid, it doesn't seem so ideal. They see the top kids and think they live such a happy life, have everything they ever want. The popularity, true, the happiness, debatable, but worst of all, the family, so untrue it's hard to imagine. And they think that our "friendships" are so stable and maybe even strong. Like we all have each other's backs. I have one word for this. Bullshit.

Growing up I was always an outsider. I kept to myself and didn't come out of my shell except for family and my one friend at the time. I was content living my life like this, and everyone around me didn't mind that I was quite either. They would mind themselves and I would mind myself. I gained a few more friends throughout the years, which I did like. Everything was perfect. Then when time came to go to high school my friends decided being a wallflower wouldn't cut it.

We all got together during the summer and began shopping like it was Black Friday exclusively at Forever 21, and if it was the other people at the mall certainly weren't aware of the deals. We squealed, correction, THEY squealed, looking at the little crop tops hanging off the rack, the skin tight leggings on shelves, the chokers near the cash registers. They even dragged me over to the thongs and started talking about them as if they were magical. Like a little string in between my ass could immediately make me ten times cooler.

I will admit, I didn't mind it at the time. I just thought it was fun hanging out with them. Though looking back on it now I hated that day. They were trying to change me, get me out of my shell, remove me from my usual baggy sweatshirt and jeans and squeeze me into a girly-girl, though I do see now that their intentions worked wonders. I didn't even notice these things until I really started thinking about it, which by then it was too late. All my sweatshirts were gone and in the trash.

That day when we were trying on our clothing, a shift occurred in my mindset. I had gotten a pair of skinny jeans and a crop top on and I was looking good. I looked in the mirror and saw this, noticing I had never looked this good before in my life, minus my aunts wedding in which my mom forced me into a dress. It made me happy knowing that I was beautiful, so when I walked out of the changing room to show my friends and saw their faces light up, hearing the gasps and the "dang girl"s, I felt like I was on top of the world at that moment. I bought everything I had found that day, the beginning of my transformation process.

We went to all the cool stores, bought tons of clothing, went to the food court and ate Japanese, spending my daddy's money as well as their parents' money. It felt amazing knowing I could get anything I want and just charge it to my dad. I'm pretty sure it was that day my shopping addiction started too, but I don't know. Could have been the day we went to Sephora.

On that day we walked into the Sephora shop and I was surrounded by unknown brushes, palettes, pencils, and other things that looked like they were torture devices, though the store attending called them eyelash curlers. The attending, Jasmine her name was, I think, told me she could help me get everything I every wanted in the store as well as give me a lesson on application. She put makeup on half off my face and made me do the other half, talking me through the process. I learned so much in the time I think my mind is full of girly-girl trash now.

We all planned to wear our new Forever 21 crop tops and jeans to school the first day, gaining as much popularity as we could in the first day. As I did my makeup and got dressed I saw my previously normal face become plastic. My personality shifted, a sudden diva side of me taking over. I was okay with that, it made me feel powerful. Like I was beautiful. Like I could take on anyone and no one could stop me. Like I was on the top.