© Amber Kalkes 2015
Chapter One: Dysphoria
I want to die.
It's not an overdramatic claim of embarrassment or anything of the like. It's a real desire that has the strength to overwhelm, drown and eventually can fester into something darker, twisted. It's also something that a lot people wouldn't understand.
The need to no longer be on this earth. The wish to make all your pain just drain out of you along with whatever it is that makes us want to keeping going. After years and years of feeling this way, something has to give and no matter how much I want to please those who want me to stay, I'm not sure how much I have left in me.
The bell above the door rings and I flinch out of my thoughts and back into reality. My confusion as to why I feel this way is only matched by my confusion as to why I still work here. I'm not a people person and as much as I try, I do suck at my job. So why am I continue to linger in this place? Besides the stability that this offers and Dr. Reynolds insists will help me, I really can't think of a reason.
"Can I help you?" The cheerful voice of my co-work greets, getting my attention.
I peek over at Melanie, my co-worker for the day and study her. She's the kind of person who fits in here and seemingly enjoys her job. She's a people person with a bubbly personality that makes everyone like her. At least I assume everyone likes her. I'm not much for gossiping around the water cooler so on that front, I'm pretty uninformed. Still I'm sure she loves this job. In fact, she probably has a great life.
In this fantasy world I create for her in my head Melanie is surrounded by friends and family. She has a boyfriend who is handsome, caring and with whom she always has a good time. Her apartment is probably well decorated and often filled with generous laughter and good times. She laughs honestly and smiles so wide that her cheeks often hurt with the joy of her life.
I avert my gaze from Melanie and frown at the counter I'm wiping down with envy of this fantasy life I've given her. I wish I could be like that. Hell, I've tried to be like that. I used to have a few friends, ones that didn't look at me with pity or treat me like glass. After my last release from the hospital four months ago though, they have faded away too and have left me to my own misery. Though I must admit that even before I left for the hospital, I didn't have anything close to Melanie's life.
That's why my doctor thinks these new pills might help. They taste like shit and make me feel even worse but he says I have to give the anti-depressants a try again. This isn't the same kind that sent me over the edge at last time, this is a new brand and I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. Being crazy seemed to suit me much better then whatever kind of false reality I'm making for myself now. But I'm not the medical professional so what do I know?
"Hello?" An annoyed voice calls and pulls me out of my thoughts. I turn around to see a middle aged man in a business suit, a long overcoat and an IPhone in his hand. I look around to see that I am alone and assume that Melanie has gone on break sending me into an acute panic. "Are you going to help me or what?"
I swallow thickly and nod as I hesitantly make a move towards the front counter. I don't really have much of a choice on this one do I? I can't exactly pull Melanie out of her break to do a job I've been trained to do, right? God but I wish I could. Willing myself not to run in the opposite direction, I place my shaking hand palm down on the counter and try to stay calm.
"C-Can I help you?" I ask quietly.
He sighs, still annoyed, "Yeah, a coffee, black to go and a...cherry strudel. Make it fast would you? I'm in a hurry."
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