When I lost her..

When she came into my life

"I notice things, I notice slight, insignificant things that you would never know you did. I notice how you breath when you sleep, or how your eyes change colour.
Or how your interests spike a certain way about you.

When you're sad, you play that song no body likes but to you means everything.
When you're happy, it isn't for long. You know the axe is going to fall.
And when you're numb, you feel nothing at all.

I mean nothing at all.

I know your favourite seasons and how your attitude changes in the winter.
How your body gets fitter in the summer and in the fall you're happy. When everything's dying, you're flying.

Loneliness loves you, just as I did.
It haunts you're every move.
Just as depression does, they all love you.
Everyone does,
They love you for you, but how could you love yourself?

You think you're fat, but are too skinny.
You despise your hair colour, yet the one you chose isn't better.
Everything you do you do for others, but does that make you selfless?"

My pe stopped trailing the ink onto the pages as my mind went blank.

Every time I get a good rhythm going the pens always run dry.. I thought.

It was late, really late. Around 1am, I usually go to 2am but today I was feeling sleepy, tired and unmotivated.
I put my pen on the page that held my writing and put my notebook away. The spine said #13,

I need a better organizational system.. I replayed the last word over and over for no reason at all. It just kept ringing in my ears. I put my earbuds in and went to sleep under the covers that were too big for my bed.

In my eyes I saw darkness, just as my room was and just as my heart is.

Who are you writing about? My thoughts spoke to me.

Just a girl. I said back.

Is she special? Does she care? My head said.

No, she doesn't remember me. I said.

Why do you think that? She must remember that night, have you asked her? Did she forget? I asked.

She forgot because she was drunk, I was drunk but pictures don't lie.. and my memories aren't fuzzy anymore. I said.

Before I could go on ranting about the effects of alcohol on a persons brain, I played my bed time song and fell asleep. Blissfully and in love.

Does she know you care? My thoughts asked me when I woke up.

It was 6am on a Monday morning, and I could not be more tired.
My eyes barely opened, it was like they didn't work.
But I knew one thing was for sure, I had to go to school. I forced myself up onto my feet and went downstairs for breakfast I could already smell.
My mom had a great way of waking me up, making me hungry, I was always hungry, no matter the occasion.
I walked down the oak stairs towards my living room and then towards the kitchen.
I sat down at the table which had already been set and the food had already been served.

Bacon,
Eggs,
Ham.

School.

On my walk to school I noticed the sun just rising. I live far away from my school but it's the only one that's close enough. In the mornings I could always see my breath.
I waited at the bus stop and every morning I saw her.

Hunter Jones. The girl everyone wanted.
She had long brown to silver hair which was so abnormal, so unusual, it's remarkable. Brown eyes and a face no one could forget.
During the summer I met her at a party. Her hair wasn't so long then and she didn't wear so much makeup but I loved her just the same. We both had a little too much to drink and we started talking.
We talked about philosophy most of the time. Determinism, she's a strong believer in it.
That's partly the reason we hooked up. She said I was smart for a football player, I knew about life and everything I want from it. Which want like any of the other football players because all they wanted to do was play football. She knew I knew things and that's what she liked.
Someone who knew they were smart but wasn't cocky. In that moment, she just wanted someone.
The rest of that night is endless puzzle pieces I can never put together quite right. But in they time I saw her for who she was not what she looked like. I met her for her. The most real and the most faulted.