Read my messed up mind

"1"

Smiling is a way of hiding, hiding how hurt you really are deep inside.

This girl you see everyday at school smiling and laughing, this girls seems popular, fearless, do you know for sure that she is truly happy? Do you know for sure that she is confident? Do you know for sure that she is telling the truth when she says "Im ok" ? Well, she isn't.

Everyday she puts on this happy mask and Every night, she takes it off, she just leave it next to her, ready to be wore again the next morning.

Every night she is hurting again, she lets the pain take over her body, this pain, this awful, breathtaking pain she hides from others, always in fear that someone might find out how sad she really is. Because what would this person think? She is weird, depressed, and totally crazy. No one would ever understand how she got these scars. Even she doesn't fully understand, she overthink, over-stress. Her mind is messed up and she knows it.

But what pain? The pain of being alone, of being unhappy, the pain of the tears making her eyes red every-night. The pain of being broken and never fixed. The pain of believing in happiness to realize it wasn't real. All based on lies. Those fucking lies that destroyed her. This pain which never leaves her.

She seems so strong when really she is the weakest of all.
She feels alone all the time, unloved and left behind.

You have to know that everything matters to her, every little details.
Once you told her how ugly she was, that she had an horrible smile, that she wasn't pretty and you probably do not remember saying this, but she does. She does remember it. She remember it because these words stayed written in indelible ink inside of her head. And every time she heard someone saying the same things it broke her more and more and more. Once she heard people laughing behind her back, she wanted to cry, so hard but she kept burrying her pain, deep down inside of her.

But this girl, she keeps wearing her mask. Because she loves everyone so much, too much! She doesn't want anyone to worry about her or worse to be hurt because of her. That's just how she is.

She cares about people, a lot. And these people could never care about her the way she cares about them. Maybe she doesn't show it properly or doesn't say "I love you" often. But never in your life someone will ever care about you the way she does.

All she wants is to be truly happy, find love, and everyone does right? But her, she never got a slight taste of true happiness, happiness that lasts. She has forgotten all about those brief happy days. All she remember now are the grey ones, the sad ones.

From now one she is locked in this world of sadness, she stays in it and it is her choice, she choose to be sad, she doesn't have the strength to even try to be happy anymore.

This sadness, it grows on her like a sickness. An incurable sickness.