My life - pt2

I miss you mom.

TO MY MOM : How could you leave us so unexpected?, We were waiting, we were waiting, For you but you just left us, We needed you, I needed you  

ME : I don't know what it's like to be addicted to pills, But I do know what it's like to be a witness it kills, Mama told me she love me, let me out of my cell, You say you proud of me, but you don't know me that well, Sit in my room, tears running down my face and I yell, Into my pillowcases,  don't you want to watch your babies grow?, I guess that pills are more important, all you have to say is no, But you won't do it will you? You gon' keep popping 'til those pills kill you, I know you gone but I can still feel you..,  I got this picture in my room and it kills me, but I don't need a picture of my mom, I need the real thing, Now a relationship is something we won't ever have, Why do I feel like I lost something that I never had?, You shoulda been there when I graduated, Told me you love me and congratulations, Instead you left us at the window waiting, Where you at mom?  

TO MY MOM : We're too young to understand where you at huh?, Yeah, I know those drugs got you held captive, I can see it in your eyes, they got your mind captured, Some say it's fun to get the high but I am not laughing, What you don't realise and what you not grasping, That I was nothing but a kid who couldn't understand, I ain't gon' say that I forgive you cause it hasn't happened, I thought that maybe I feel better as time passes, If you really cared for me, then where you at then?  

ME : Our last conversation, you were sat in my bedroom, Talking 'bout music and I brought you something to listen to, You started crying, telling me that you loved me, but Couple weeks later, guess you were singing a different tune, You took them pills for the last time, didn't you?

They took you from us once, guess they came back to take you and never bring you back to us, Crying my eyes out in the bathroom thinking of you is difficult,  I can't go to speak to you anymore,  Took me everything inside and outside of me to not scream at your funeral saying *FUCK THIS WORLD AND KILLING MYSELF*
Sitting in my chair, that person talking was pitiful, I wish you were here mama but every time I picture you, All I feel is pain, I hate that i have to be suffering about everything about you, , They found you on the floor, I could tell that you felt hallow, Gave everything you had to us and plus your life to them pill bottles, You gave everything, Don't know if you hear me or not, but if you still watching ma...I miss you ma, i really miss you, i cry everyday thinking about you and wishing you never left us alone and never cared about those pills, i wish when you said "I love you" that you really meant it and that you would "Always be there for you" but that never happend i was left alone to nothing after this i was sexual assulated and mentally harmed, i wish you were here ma, i wish, but i hope you can hear my pain... 

TO MY MOM : I need someone to look up to, A role model I could run to When I feel lost and I'm confused and I'm outta touch with my young roots I need confidence, all that I can get, And I love you and your common sense Cause lately, I've been tryna live this thug life and I'm not convinced Look, I love how you handle your own Glad you are the king to your own castle You handle life when it's thrown at you Never curl up, never 'fo fragile, I need you to be here, regardless Teach me how to be there for my kids Show me how to be fearless often, I need real guidance, I am scared of options Because of you, I've got a clearer conscience Because of you, I'm not scared of monsters Because of you, I'm not afraid of failure My life was blurry, you made it clearer And God forbid, if you died now I know that I'll be well taken care of, I know you'll be there waiting for me