A bird flew from a tree; knowing well that it was prey for another. It landed on the window still of a flat. The city was cold in the morning; the bird released a cry for help. Lilith was sparse that morning, her mind elsewhere. Her body rose and demanded an act of passion. She pushed at her partner’s stomach, he stirred and but essentially did not react - the curtains danced in the breeze as the bird watched her, eyes so small can be so judgemental. The emotion of fear rose inside her for but a moment and she was suddenly awake; the world became a reality.
The kitchen was too far to walk to in the morning, and the there was no time for acceptance, so she rushed out the door of the one bedroom flat, hurryingly clothing with a jacket. There was no time to think; but only act- the philosophy that arose in all conflicts. She did her daily pounding of skin against a wall and felt relieved of the burden; her body was truly such a wasteful thing. The act gave her rejuvenation, as though there was some pride in it. It gave her control to hurt, but also to resist pain. Perhaps one day she should attempt resisting it but the thought was soon swept away in the stream of traffic and she ran towards the yellow building. A bum sang a tune; a hymn she had heard but more then enough.
‘And they sang together in a peace of heart… falling as they were caught… a man only lives but for a day.’
She sprinted to the sound of the gong at the top of the yellow facility, sounding 9’oclock; and her shoes skidded on the wet pavement into the building. The excitement of the movement filled her, but just for a moment and inside the foyer was peaceful as her peace-maker lead her to their room; the session commenced.
“Welcome Lilith”
“Welcome to you also Ray”
“Yes thankyou”
He lifted the window’s blinds, so to let in the morning light- the backdrop to his position.
“How have your home sessions been going Lilith?”
“Okay I guess Ray, okay is all I can say”
“Why not fantastic?”
“Fantastic is not a word I would use to describe anything”
“Why not?”
“Nothing is fantastic if I do not have myself”
He drew breath, unable to release; the girl watched him, her eyes small.
“I want myself Ray”
“Lilith we discussed this-“
“NO!”
She welded her emotion as a sword, cutting his thoughts short. He was only able to remember the purpose of his job.
Make them forget who they are.
“Do not shout Lilith”
“Sorry Ray”
“Thank you Lilith”
Joy coursed through his body as he accepted her apology as he had been taught to feel when others accomplished a truth.
“It’s okay to be afraid Lilith, but I need you to at least try”
“I’m sorry Ray, but I still cannot understand the purpose of this final activity…”
“Lilith, you are the only 1993 born remaining in this unit, the only unable to pass the final level”
“I know Ray”
“You must live off others Lilith; you can’t surely seek that acceptance in yourself”
“But what am I without myself?”
“You are another”
“But what are they?”
“They are you.”
She sat with a grimace, heat burning on her neck and the certain need for respect grew inside her, a feeling she had learnt to suppress.
“That is the only way you can be accepted by Him Lilith”
“I know”
“To give yourself to Him”
“Yes, but what does he give to me?”
“Everything, everything you have is from him”
“But I do not have much”
“Aye, but that is where you fall”
The need began to grow within her once again.
“He gives you your mind Lilith”
Ray took down a note.
“He gives you your guidance, he gives you your peace”
“Yes, by why cannot I give that to myself?”
She clawed at her bruise, and the urge to scream began to build from beneath her guilt. The pain was the only real thing in her life, and happiness was the bane of her guilt. The conductor was taken back, and an anger began to flow through his veins for the first time; a shield breaking- how could he be expected to forgive someone who behaved like this?
“How can you say such a thing Lilith?”
He turned and pressed the button upon the wall
“It is really a crime Ray?”
She began to weep.
“Is it really a crime to hold one’s self”
The guards flooded the room, grasping her without passion or love; without acceptance or lust.
“Is it really a crime to lust Ray?”
“Get her out of my sight!”
“Is it really a crime to love one’s self?”
Suddenly she was welded, as though a weapon of destruction and of a passion that ought not exist, out of the building, and out of sight.
