A Uniquely Aggressive Canadian

1. Self-pitying Bi**hes

How to know you have more pity for yourself than you should, and you really need to re-evaluate your life choices:

1. "Socially awkward" posts take up at least 40% of your Tumblr/Facebook feed.

2. You enjoy physically harming yourself, but only so it is noticeable, not super painful.

3. You have a relatively average upbringing but feel like an outcast in your own home.

4. "No one understands me" is the story of your life.

5. You are in the prime of your life and beautiful/average, but hate life and find yourself ugly.

6. You have more than one piece of merchandise stating that music is your life

7. A good 50% of the rest of your tumblr is about the monster inside/the fake face you put on/fake smiles/desperately wanting someone to ask if you're ok.

Number seven probably pisses me off the most. I've seen so much of that shit on Tumblr it makes me sick. That is the most stupid, self-absorbed thing you can say. First of all, YOU HAVE THE SOLUTION TO YOUR PROBLEM. Be open with people. There you go. What's even worse though, is that I'm sure people DO ask you if you're okay -especially if they see cuts on your arm. But you don't want to be criticized for your life choices right? So you lie. Then you go on Tumblr or write a poem about how you wish someone would see through your lies. PLEASE cut the bullshit and get a grip. These are my responses to the rest of my criteria for whiny bitches above.

1. Social awkwardness is not a disease. Get over it. You're fine. It doesn't matter if you embarrass yourself every once in a while and only have a couple friends. Embrace it, but in real life, not just on the internet for your hundreds of self-pitying followers to reblog.

2. It makes me so mad to see obvious burns and cuts on people. No, those hundreds of bracelets don't really hide them that well, I just don't want to bring it up with you and end up ruining our friendship. Because I will slap you right there. There is nothing these people need more than to experience ACTUAL pain, physical or emotional. Lots of things hurt more than a scratch on your arm, don't kid yourself by thinking you're doing it for the pain. As for emotional, if your parents died you'd be a whole lot less worried about how lonely you were in a society where you can't fit in. Man the fuck up.

3. It's okay to be an outcast. But don't emphasize the difference as if it's you against the world. With a relatively normal upbringing, you should be happy you have a good family and people who will stand behind you, even if they can be not-so-good sometimes.

4. Does it really fucking matter if "no one understands you"? Also, I will bet you a thousand dollars that at least one person on the internet understands you. You're in luck if you match the above criteria, because there are a ton of you bastards out there. You are not alone.

5. You are pretty! Stop complaining! And if you're ugly, there is nothing more attractive than people who embrace it and are confident as hell!

6. Oh really? Music is your life? I like music as much as the next girl, but an ipod would not be the first thing I wish for if I was stranded on a desert island.

Basically, embrace life and stop being a little bitch. It'll make your life a whole lot more awesome.