The Dangerous Doors of Shannon Anderson

Chapter Twenty Six

"I don't know what to do now," I said, hanging my head and staring into the amber depths of my teacup.

Dr. Van Helsing took out his handkerchief and dabbed my cheeks with it, just like my grampy would have done. He was making a strong case for me never leaving. I thumbed the spot on my finger where my ring from Fritz should have been.

"You know, I thought about it for a hot minute, staying in New Switzerland with Fritz when I was stuck there during the rainy season," I said. "He told me I could stay, but then I didn't want to because it wasn't part of the plan. The plan was to graduate, and go to NYU, and be happy. But now the plan is in tatters and I'm just...I just feel so lost without it."

Van Helsing nodded and sipped his tea, his brow furrowed so that I could tell he was really listening to me in a way that no one else had lately.

"And I mean, I have an opportunity here. I could actually live in a book, do something that no one has ever done before. It sounds like a dream. I've spent so much of my life pretending to be in stories only to feel disappointed when I'm forced to acknowledge that they're not real. But now I could make it real. My life could be the life of literary wonder and adventure that I've always ached for so badly."

"Have you a family, Miss Shannon? Would they not be ruined if you left them forever?"

That was the real rub, wasn't it? It was hard to imagine never seeing Dad again, or Aidan. I never saw Mom much as it was, but still, she was my mom. I needed her.

And if I chose to live a storied life, well, that was just the thing. I'd have to choose one story. So either I'd never see Dr. Van Helsing again, or I'd never see Fritz. No matter which path I chose, someone was going to be left behind.

I just wished that I could know that my doors would stay open forever. That I could ask Dr. Van Helsing for his opinion on my latest set designs, or go for a run in Oz when life got too stressful in reality, or that I could still visit Fritz when I was ninety. If I could know that for certain, there would be no choice to make.

But I didn't know. Everything was so uncertain that I felt like I was drowning under the weight of it, or that I might just float off the ground and be carried off to my next destination by the whims of the wind. I didn't like that feeling. I wanted to feel like I had some control over my future. I wanted my doors to stay open, and I wanted NYU to change its mind about rescinding my admission so that I could go to Greenwich Village in the fall and continue on my way to becoming a great set designer like I had planned. That was all I wanted, but it seemed I couldn't have both.

I might not even get either. If I chose to abandon the doors, or at least chose not to live in a book permanently, I would have to live like these adventures had never happened, like I hadn't met Mrs. Hudson in the flesh, or that Dr. Van Helsing hadn't consoled me while I cried on his duvet. And what if I reapplied to NYU and I didn't get in this time? What then? Maybe I could go to UI with Tucker, but it would be impossible to feel like I wasn't settling for a second-rate theater program when a BFA from NYU had been within my reach. I was only 18, I didn't want to be settling already. Settling was something you did when you were 30 and out of options.

"I'm just so scared," I said finally. "I'm scared my doors are going to lock forever and that I'll have to go back to just pretending." Pretending felt so hollow compared to the fullness of life I felt inside these stories. "I fear the unknown, professor, and right now I know nothing."

Van Helsing smiled at me. "The unknown is what makes us human, my child. Why read a book if you know how the story unfolds? Why live a life if you know every step in this journey towards death? The mysteries of the future allow us to write our own tales, Miss Shannon. The unknown is a gift, so that we may always be surprised by the universe, so that we may experience the complete spectrum of human emotion through that surprise. Oh, my child. I am old, so I can tell honestly. It is a beautiful spectrum."

I thought I might be feeling the whole gamut of it at once in that moment. My heart swelled with love and gratitude for Dr. Van Helsing, for his wise words and his belief in me. But my heart still ached because of the choice I had to make, and the disappointments I'd suffered. I was angry with the universe, but I was indebted to it, too, for having opened these doors into other universes and welcoming me through.

"Thank you, Dr. Van Helsing," I said. "So much. For everything. No matter what I decide to do, I'll come back here to let you know. And...and to say good-bye, if I have to."

He kissed my forehead. "You are among the brightest colors on my spectrum, Miss Shannon. I will miss you deeply," he said, like my decision had already been made.

***

He was a smart man that Dr.Van Helsing, and as I laid in bed that night stewing over the choice betweenbook world and real world, I had a revelation. Okay, maybe it wasn't so earth-shattering that I could honestly call itrevelatory, but I had a profound realization, at least. The doors would keep opening until theydidn't anymore, and I had to accept that. But if I didn't start working to keep other kinds of doors in my lifeopen - doors to the Tisch School of the Arts, for instance - then what would Ihave left when the book doors shut for good? Staying in Iowa (or at least staying in my non-fictional home universe)was the closest thing I was going to get to a compromise. I wouldn't have to abandon my family, or myprofessional dreams, and I would still have my book worlds to run away to, atleast for a while. And who knew, maybethe doors would keep letting me through for a long time to come. It was one of those beautiful uncertaintiesVan Helsing had been talking about. Andafter giving myself some time to really think about it, I realized that Ididn't want to be stuck anywhere. Not in a book, and certainly not in Iowa.

A/N: What do you think of Dr. Van Helsing's words of wisdom and Shannon's plan? Would you have reached the same conclusions? Let me know with a comment or a vote! Thanks!