Damaged Goods

Quiet Hours

"I'm tired of feeling alone" I whispered to myself as I gripped the pill bottle in my hand. A silent tear rolled down my face as my grip got stronger and stronger on the bottle, until my knuckles were white. I was sobbing now. Not the beautiful, saddening cry that one sees in movies, but horrendous sobs that twisted my face in the ugliest way. I threw the pills away from me and punched the cement dorm wall next to me.

"I just want this pain to end" I cried out into the empty room. This pain was unlike any physical pain I'd felt before and it wasn't caused by a heartbreak or a death or any explainable source. This was just a pain that I've felt inside me for many years now. At first it was just little, quick moments that passed swiftly and left me feeling as though I was overreacting over literally nothing. As time moved on, this pain has been quietly growing and feeding on my weakness and now it seemed impossible to get over. The only thing I could think about was how I felt completely and utterly alone in the world.

And then there was a knock at my door that brought me back into the world of the living. I quickly grabbed a tissue off my desk and blew my nose, then grabbed another one to wipe the tears off my face. I took a quick look in the mirror and forced a smile on my face; I looked tired, but at least that was better than sad. I leapt to the door and to my disappointment, it was just the girl across the hall. She stared at my face for a moment and then got on with the reason for her knocking.

"Um, hey. Hi. It's Valerie, right?" She tilted her head to the side slightly and gave me a fake smile. "No, actually my name is Vega. What do you need?" I tried to say as politely as possible, but given my outburst moments ago, I wasn't feeling very friendly.

"Vega? Oh that's... different." She quickly added on, "It's cool though! My name is Sasha, but I'm sure you already knew that, because I'm president of the government club here in this building. Anyway, I just wanted to remind you that it's nearly one in the morning and we all have classes tomorrow, so that means quiet hours have already started. I could hear you doing, whatever it was you were doing, from across the hall." 

I did not actually know Sasha nor did I know she was on the government club, but both of those things meant nothing to me. Sasha had long, slick black hair that looked like it was permanently straight, flawless golden skin, and I'm almost positive she never left her room without a face full of makeup and some hoop earrings on. The only other times I had the great pleasure of talking with Sasha was during our welcome to college meeting two weeks ago.

"Now, I know you have a room to yourself, so you might forget that others can hear you, but it's okay! I won't tell our residential assistant or anything! I just thought I'd give you a warning before someone gets pissed. Hope you have a great night and can't wait to see you around the halls!" Sasha finished her speech with another flash of a fake smile before turning on her heels and heading back to her dorm room. I stood in my doorway and cautiously peaked my head into the hall to see if anyone had heard that conversation. Once I was fairly certain that Sasha was the only one awake (other than myself) on our floor, I closed my door and laid on my bed.

I laid on my bed for what must have been hours just thinking about the emptiness that filled my body. My room was dark, but the moonlight coming from between the curtains was just enough light for me to make out the things in my room. I turned in my bed and stared out my window, wishing I could just go into space and never look back. Two weeks at this college and I already wanted to pack my bags and head home after one negative encounter.

Home. The thought put a sour taste in my mouth. I hadn't thought about home, since the death of my mother almost a month before school had begun. I no longer had a home to return to. I could feel my eyes begin to water as I finally allowed myself to think about my mom and our home. After taking a deep breath in to compose myself, I stared back out the window blankly. I wasn't going to allow myself to cry over it anymore. My vision slowly drifted downward and onto my floor where I spotted the pill bottle. I could end the pain and suffering right now by swallowing those pills and then falling asleep. No more pain. No more hurting. No more crying. No more causing chaos in others' lives. No more loneliness. No more living.

I tore my gaze away from the bottle and turned my body to face the ceiling. I glanced at the clock and saw it was about five in the morning. I closed my eyes, not expecting sleep to come anytime soon. "I'm tired of feeling alone." I whispered to myself once more before trying aimlessly to turn off my thoughts and hopefully escape into the world of dreams.