Dying to be perfect...

I'm hungry but I can't eat...

I wake up not remembering a thing that had happened last night. I slowly wake up to find Joe on the ground of his room that's at Zoe's house while I'm in his bed. I gave a puzzled look and saw that he is still sleeping so I quietly as I can get up and walk out of the room. I am going for another trip to the so familiar bathrooms. Walking into the bathroom as I normally do I look into the mirror and hate what I see, so i do what i do best... I make myself throw up. All that I can think about is if Joe can hear from his room... I really do not want to face another disappointed Joe.

In the last couple of weeks I have lost quite a lot of weight. To me I still see the fat on my thighs and stomach.. but to a bystander I look like someone would be able to snap me with their fingers, I loom skinny and undernourished... As I make my way up from my crouched position over the toilet, I just have gotten up just a bit quickly because I start to feel light headed and like I have no energy left in me... so I decide to go down stairs and get a glass of water from the kitchen... I get a glass from the cupboard in the kitchen and pour some water that I got from the fridge.

I drink it and it kinda helps my light headedness. As i stand there I replay the events that had happened last night over and over again in my mind... I don't know what to think about it. I look around and see that everyone is still in bed so I go up to the room I'm staying in and get some clothes out to wear.

I wear a yellow Lacey dress that cuts off just above the knees and I put my hair in a messy bun with a light yellow ribbon. I also wear a pair of brown sandals. I walk back down to the lounge room to find that everyone was awake and what looks like is a house meeting type thing. "We're going to the beach" Zoe said all chirpy. I let out a sigh and go back up to the room and put my bikini on under Neath what I was wearing. Once again I did not want to swim with a body like mine.

Joe drove us down to the beach and we were met by a couple of other Youtubers. Joe had that look on his face like he did something. We were met by Louise and Darcy aka Sprinklofglitter and baby glitter, Dan and phil and also Marcus Butler and Niomi and Joe's Flatmate Caspar. Also some youtubers not from the Uk but from america and Australia like Connor Franta, Troye Sivan and Tyler Oakly, It was a youtuber beach party.

We all got our stuff and put it all together. It was a little sitting place filled with beach umbrellas, beach balls, kites, buckets and spades. As soon as we finished setting up nearly everyone went for the water and Louise and Darcy went to make sand castles while i sat up on the towels. I could see Alfie dunking Zoe each time a wave came, Dan and Phil afraid of the waves.. they aren't really the outdoorsy type and the rest were just chillin and chattin.

I grabbed a bucket and walked down to the water. I put It in the water so the waves splashed into it. When it was about half way full I walked back up to where our towels were and sat down. I poured the water onto the sand to make it damp. I then got a small stick that was beside me and I had a lot on my mind and I just needed to get it out so and I started to write:

"I'm hungry but I can not eat".

I wrote that and underlined it. Everyone was still down in the water so I got up and went to the toilet. I did not realize that I had left my writing in the sand but I wasnt that worried about it until I got there. I saw scratch marks through the words and footprints running the other way... Dammit! Joe must have saw it.. I immediately ran down to the water and my friends were a fair bit out to sea just swimming so I had to go out there. I sighed loudly and took my dress off, I covered my body as I entered the water.

As soon as i got out there I asked them " where is Joe " in a frantic voice.. I practically screamed, no one could hear me apart from Alfie. He swam across to me holding me up because I was struggling to keep afloat from the amount of energy I didn't have from not eating. " he ran out of the beach we assumed he had forgotten something" as soon as those words left Aflie's lips I swam and ran up the beach trying to put my dress on while running as I run out onto the pathway.