A Slice of Life

JSM

When I’m alone I think about a lot of different things, I think about my boyfriend a lot because I think sometimes I have separation anxiety, (if that’s a thing). Sometimes I think about my old best friend and the memories we shared and all the good things and bad things she brought to my life. Sometimes I wonder why my dad did what he did and why my brother followed after him and why they both chose to put themselves far away from my family. Sometimes I think about what I used to do to myself when I had no one there to talk to, no one to listen to me and help me. Sometimes I wonder why I have no friends and why it’s hard for me to hang out with people when I’m not with Joe. I hurt when I’m not with him, my brain doesn’t think right and my stomach forms knots that won’t undo until I’m back with him, unless I keep myself busy when he isn’t around I go insane. I start pacing and getting pissed off at people who just try to make me feel better. I have to be doing something or driving somewhere or my anxiety goes sky high. It’s hard to keep busy when you have no friends and you don’t have a vehicle or license to drive yourself. It’s hard to focus on things that I try to when all I can picture are his blue eyes.

I’m slowly starting to ease away from him but it’s harder than I thought. It’s harder going to bed at night when my mind always wonders to where he is, if he’s sleeping alright, if he had a good supper, how his day was, if his feet are hurting like they sometimes do. When he’s tired he doesn’t always hear his phone so at night I’m left wondering if he might be upset at me for something then I start to think about what I could have done. Lately I’ve tried to be more at home but being at home makes me uncomfortable... Plus at home the only thing I have is my phone and people only post so much on Facebook and Instagram, after a couple straight hours you’re just sitting there trying to find something new to read or watch but you’ve seen it all already. When I try to calm myself down my mind starts thinking of the worst things possible and I get myself wound up. I see other people with their friends and it hurts because no one wants to hang out with me. When I see other couples then I look at Joe and mine’s relationship and I know it isn’t healthy to be with him when I’m not at school or work. But he’s basically my addiction; I can’t stay away because I get anxious. Half the time when I’m not with him I make my mom drive me around, go to Walmart and walk around. Have her drive me to a store or something to keep me busy. Hopefully now that it’s getting warmer out though I can start to just walk to a park and swing or walk around. I can’t be home, and I have no friends so I should find like a hobby... Or maybe try to make some friends to help keep my mind away from him and start to help our relationship because it has become unhealthy and I don’t want him getting sick of me or vice versa. I just wish it were easier and faster to get my mind away from him then it is.

How do you honestly expect a teen to get away from the anxiousness of being with the one person who knows everything about her? The one person who hasn’t left my side since the day we met. I can’t even talk with my parents because they’ll say I’m making things up and I just need friends... I wouldn’t make something up that is physically hurting me. That makes no sense; I don’t even know how I would make something up like that. The knots in my stomach aren’t fake they’re there and when I’m keeping myself busy they stay small, but when I don’t keep myself busy, they are huge and hurt and make me feel a way that I hate feeling. A feeling I don’t even understand myself let alone try to explain it to someone, a feeling that hurts more than I’ve ever hurt before. I don’t know what to do or how to fix any of it and I can’t trust most people because I’m sure they’ll just tell me I’m making it all up or that I’m just trying to get attention or I’m just obsessed with my boyfriend but that isn’t it at all.

I mean no, I didn’t self-diagnose myself. I have had doctors tell me before that I’ve had anxiety and depression both. I feel like I started having anxiety when my dad left us and I had to move to a completely new city, with a new school make new friends, and live in a new house with my mom who I hardly even knew was mother since she was never around. I’ve been dealing with it quite well until my best friend left my side in July and decided we weren’t going to be friends at all anymore. I turned to Joe for everything after that, I can’t trust adults with things because most would either let my parents know what I said or they’d tell mandatory reporters and get DHS and things like that involved in my life and I cannot let that happen. I’ve been through a lot more than most people think that I have and that’s because my window of people that I trust is small. So small they have to go through it one by one.