ESO Mages and the Mad God

Part 1: Lost Lore/Meeting Madness

Example your mad voice.

Example your consiance.
Example Claw-foot the Clannfear talking.
Example -mad voice and you talking together

I swear if I have to be near another sane person I think I will drop my façade and use their skin and bones for a new drum and flute. Yep you heard me right, I'm mad, crazy, bonkers, loony and any other name you can think of, I travel Tamriel with my pet/friend named Claw-foot, she was a Clannfear that I had found abandoned, a runt of the litter as Lydia has said before, long story short I took care of her and now she has become a loyal companion and fights by my side, I loved her to pieces.
Back to my madness though, it was very hard to keep up the façade of being a sane person, the thing was, I used to be like them, sane I mean, I used to be a boring sane person until the one person I loved was taken from me, I was never the same after that, obviously, part of me missed being boring, at the time anyway, but now I couldn't care less, I mean now that I have experienced what madness really feels like, there is no way in oblivion that I want to get 'cured' because this was the first time I have felt happy in a long time. I was and am free.

I had been dungeon delving for the Mages Guild because they wanted some lore books to help increase their library, not exactly what I would read but it had interested me enough to take the job, besides I did have a small fascination for that guild mainly because it always involved blowing things up, most of the time anyway. Although seeing a ghost claiming to be Shalidor was not part of the plan, so when I went back to Valaste I knew I was going to need to explain what had happened. Boy was I glad that they didn't see my friend (Claw-foot) as an enemy, otherwise their walls would be decorated with a different colour, with new decorations.
"Here are your tomes" it was difficult not to throw them in her face "and something strange happened while I was in there"
"Excellent work adept" Valaste grabbed the books in my hand and placed them on the desk beside her, she handed me some gold before skimming through the books, she frowned when she looked through the blank book "this one appears to be blank" she said to herself before realising I was still there "sorry you said something strange happened?"
I resisted the urge to slap her face "a ghost claiming to be Shalidor appeared and said that the fires would show you the way..."
"Wait a moment, Shalidor?
I had to hold back my laughter as Valaste made a face that could rival a gob smacked monkey, then she went into a rant about how amazing Shalidor was and how he was an inspiration to all mages.
When she had managed to calm down she continued "you mentioned something about a fire?"
"He said that the fires would show you the way" if she asks again I am going to use my baby talk on her, maybe flay her afterwards.
She began to describe how a special type of ink could only be revealed by an Arcane fire, they had one burning with such a fire and then asked me to place it in the fire.
"Fear not, the pages wont burn" she said before sticking her nose into the other books I brought her.
I did as instructed and waited for a few seconds before pulling it out, I was a little unhappy that I didn't feel the heat and touch of the flame, but none the less I opened the book to see the pages filled with complete gibberish, but then again I was not a master of coded words. I walked back to Valaste and handed her the book while explaining that the book was filled with strange words.
"Complex indeed, I can't quite make out most of these spells, but this one tells us how to summon Shalidor himself" there was a spark in her eye that reminded me of when I got an idea, which resulted me in getting electrocuted.
I did the whole 'attuning/focusing my magicka' thing then 'poof', there was Shalidor looking at me with a proud look on his face. Ugh.
"You'll do nicely, I knew I was right in choosing you for help" he bellowed, his voice seemed to echo through the entire building.
"Who, are you?"
He went on about being Shalidor and how he had placed enchantments on his tomb so that if his legacy was being threatened, he would be able to return to Tamriel to make sure it didn't happen.
"This war" he continued "it threatens every mage on Tamriel, I have a place where they will be able to study in peace and learn to their hearts content, the place is known as Eyevea"
"Do we need to create it?" I was completely clueless here.
"I created that place centuries ago" he snapped "but it was stolen from me by an agent of chaos and transported to the Shivering Isles, my apprentices screaming all the while, no, you need to need the tomes that will help us find the Island"
Whoa wait, agent of chaos, Shivering Isles? Isn't that Sheogorath? The Daedric Prince of Madness?
No, he is the prince of light, unicorns and rainbows what do you think?
Shut up voice you are not helping I snapped back.
"I'm going to venture that I need to find some books" it always was with these things, so predictable, pedestrian really.
"They are being held in a place known as, 'Cheesemongers Hollow'" he spat the word as if it had a foul taste "it is located in the realm of the Mad God, Sheogorath, now let me open the portal"
I so called it
Shut up, when Shalidor mentioned the place I couldn't help but snigger at the name, it sounded so silly but funny at the same time. I stood next to Shell boy as he created the portal to Cheesyword Bellow, once he gave me the clear I did not hesitate to jump through with Claw-foot in tow.

"Oh how quaint, a mortal" said a drawled voice.
I walked toward where the voice came from and was met with a small room with a few book cases and a man (I think he's Breton) standing behind a desk.
Doesn't look like a library to me, maybe it's a reception, and where's the cheese? And it certainly doesn't look hollow to me.
Zip it would you? Haskill is talking.
Wait who's Haskill?
"Can I help you? Here on some heroic quest now doubt" the man spoke again.
"Uh, I've come here looking for some books of Shalidors?" if he really is someone who works for Sheogorath, the last thing I need to do is get on his bad side.
"Spell books? How pedestrian" I called it "well as it happens, I'm feeling particularly charitable at present, I'll allow you to enter, after"
"What do you need me to do?" I want to get straight down to business not mess around, I hope I don't mess up.
The man, I think Haskill, raised an eyebrow "straight to the point eh? Good, I want to test your resolve. There's a portal right behind you, close it and I'll grant you passage, though you may want to take care of those scamps first"
Don't underestimate him, he may try to trick you.
I nod my head in understanding "I'm ready"
In a split second I heard a portal open behind me and I did not hesitate to turn round and attack anyone who tried to kill me.
"Claw-foot, play time" I called out to her, I heard a growl and bones snapping, I knew that she was having fun, her voice seemed to laugh in delight.
I dodged a few attacks before dealing the killing blow and before we knew it we had managed to close the portal.
I bet Haskill was the one who closed it, or Sheogorath.
Wouldn't surprise me, Daedric Princes are unpredictable when it comes to this stuff, let's not forget the twisted deals they do, although I have to admit, Sheogorath is more unpredictable because of his madness.
"That was unexpectedly competent. You'd make an adequate house servant, I don't suppose you'd consider it? The pay is meagre, but the fringe benefits are appalling"
"I'll most likely be coming here when I die, ask me again then and I'll consider it, unfortunately right now I have a job to do"
"Pity, the tomes you seek are up these stairs, once outside just follow the path and you'll be on your way" he gestured me to follow him.
"Follow me and I'll open the door for you, oh and mind the scamps, the little imps adore fresh flesh, such children"
"I know from experience" no lie, I got bit by a scamp once and still have the teeth marks to prove it "rather immature at times but very entertaining to watch, and adorable when its feeding time" I did have a scamp but we don't always see eye to eye so I only summoned him when necessary, but I still considered him a friend.
For a moment I thought I heard Haskill chuckle, I left it though as it might just be my mind playing tricks on me again. I followed Haskill up the stairs.
"Thank you"
"Just doing my masters will" was all he said "oh, and do try not to make a mess of things, it wastes a lot of my time trying to clean things up"
"Can't make any promises but I'll do my best"
Once he opened the door I nodded my head in thanks then looked at my Clannfear, who was standing there staring at Haskill.
"You coming with me girl or are you going to stare all day?"
Claw-foot looked at me then groaned.
"I told you, you aren't allowed seconds after feeding"
Groan, bark
"Bad, don't go biting Haskill's feet"
Shriek
"You've just eaten, how can you still be hungry" I slapped a hand over my eyes and groaned "Claw-foot if you don't follow me right now I will not give you a treat for an entire week WOAH"
Claw-foot had bitten my hand just hard enough to tug me with her along the corridor, then she let go and began to run around like a hyper active dog, making giddy noises as she moved.
"Alright, alright we're going, but be on your guard girl, I doubt his Lordship left the place unguarded"
That snapped the Clannfear out of her trance as she stopped moving and went into battle preparation mode. For a moment, I heard a laugh that echoed through the tunnel, who it was I had no idea.
"You have a wicked sense of humour you know, I wonder what Haskill is thinking right now, when you said 'no biting Haskills feet' I'm sure I saw his eyes widen slightly in shock"
Shut up voice, I need to concentrate, I have no idea where I am going and I do not want to mess this up and just who is Haskill?
"Give the mouse a slice of cheese, Haskill is the Chamberlain to Sheogorath, he looks after things if the Mad God is away"
The voice didn't say anything after that so I followed the tunnel and out into the open, only to freeze at the sight. The area seemed to be split in half, on the left side everything looked dead and dark, there was a flow of lava with some scamps at the edge, while the right side looked lush and full of life and colour, it looked amazing.
"Beautiful" I mumbled to myself.
I felt a nudge on my side, I looked and saw that it had been Claw-foot, who looked a little on edge, that or she was excited.
"What was that for?" Hiss "yes I know we need to hurry up and get the books but this is an opportunity I may not get again, although I do wish it was raining, then again I don't know the weather system in this place" hiss "ugh, fine, we'll go look for those books, I still wish it was raining though"
I walked glumly down the path, avoiding the scamps the best I could although I had to kill the guards, when I saw the stairs though I groaned.
"Why is it at the end of every dungeon there's at least one set of stairs?" I groaned again "I swear to who ever invented them first, I will turn them into a mouse and make them walk a staircase for eternity, or I'll rip their organs out, use necromancy to bring them back then make them walk an endless staircase while skipping rope with their intestines"
"Ooh, interesting ideas, I wonder why I never thought of them"
I drew my weapon then looked around, there was no one, odd, I could have sworn I heard someone talk behind me, was it the voice in my head?
"My voice must be having a field day" I said to myself as I went up the last lot of stairs.
"Look pup, someone to play with you"
I didn't have time to think who that voice was, as a larger version of Claw-foot looked up from its food (which looked like human flesh and bones), see us then charged towards me.
"Claw-foot, attack" was all I managed to say before it lunged at me with its teeth open wide.
I dodged it and looked for any opening before attacking it with my weapon and abilities.
"Oh, puppy doesn't like you does he?"
No shot Shalidor (2) although I swear the voice was pouting like a child, I did a flip when the large Clannfear charged toward me, then I hit him right where I knew would knock him out for a few hours, which was all I needed. I told Claw-foot to eat what was left of the human remains before leaning on my knees to try and catch my breath before walking towards the 4 stone pillars that held a book per pillar, I grabbed one of the books and was shocked when the others disappeared.
"Oh, come on, are you kidding me?" I cried out, throwing my arms out in frustration "I just want this over and done with"
Then to make me even more riled up, the book I had picked up previously, flew out of my hand.
"Well, well, well, what do we have here?"
My back went completely ridged from the voice, my throat felt like it a frog lodged itself in my throat, my spine tingled at the accent the voice held, I slowly turned round and came face to face with an elderly gentleman with white hair, white eyes (or were they cat-like eyes?) his clothing was certainly odd. He looked, dare I say it handsome. The book was floating next to him.
"Puppy-killer, come to steal me books, who? Where? What? When? Sometimes why" he started giggling (or was it laughter?)
I couldn't help but giggle along with him, he sure did have a crazy personality like me, wait, now I know who this is, it's Sheogorath, the elderly gentleman with the walking cane (I can't remember), the Daedric Prince of Madness. oh I am not worthy to be in his presence.
"So what made you decide to barge into my lovely realm? Come on speak up, honesty is the best policy, as far as you know"
Not really, I'm only honest when I need to be, or feel like it "I came here to retrieve Shalidor's books"
Sheogorath looked at me before howling with laughter "Shalidor? That pompous Nord and I go way back! ho, ho, I know what he wants, indeed I do. My Island, his Island, he wants it back oh how I love a challenge" he giggled like girl.
"I prefer playing with a knife and seeing whether or not I end up cutting my fingers off" awkward silence "should I leave or...?"
Sheogorath pouted "oh but where's the sport in that? Tell you what, I give you one book in exchange for your heart or lungs, your choice"
I opened my satchel and pulled out a half decayed human heart "this okay for you?" I asked him innocently "I also have a flute made of human bone"
For a split second I saw Sheogorath look surprised before it was covered by his madness, he laughed "ah you must be crazy as well, or at least a little" he danced a little before stopping as if he had just got an idea "no wait, I have a better idea, how's about a contest? A contest wrapped in a mystery, with an enigma glaze! oh what fun we'll have"
"I'm guessing I have to do one task per book, question is what type of games do you want me to play?" I ask as I drop the heart on the ground for Claw-foot to eat. It was obvious he wanted me to do this, after all Daedric Princes enjoyed watching us wander around like a skeever in a maze. Or ants.
"A few tasks, the odd death trap, not so difficult as rebuilding the Staff of Chaos, or rebuilding the Numidium" he replied as if talking about the weather.
No idea what he was talking about but I held back the urge to squeal like some love sick puppy, don't want to give him any reason to skip rope with my intestines just yet, the book floating by his head floated straight into my hand.
"Take the first book, puppy-killer and I'll give you one book for each task you pass" that almost rhymed.
"First of all your puppy isn't dead and second, considering I have no choice in this matter, it's a deal"
Sheogorath threw his hands up in the air "excellent, cheese and cabbage for everyone, ooh I can't wait to tell Shally-dorable about our little conversation, with any luck, he'll die from embarrassment all over again"
"That would be a sight to see" I giggled "maybe you could hang his expression on a wall if its precious enough"
Sheogorath chuckled deeply, oh boy "sounds like an interesting suggestion"
I blinked and found Shalidor appearing in front of me out of no where.
"What is the meaning of this?" he growled until he saw who was there "Sheogorath" he seethed, gritting his teeth in the process.
"No, it's an Argonian concubine from the 'Lusty Argonian maid' book, who do you think it is?" did I forget to mention that I don't get enough sleep? "a skeever dancing with cheese and brain pie in its mouth while wearing underwear?"
Sheogorath howled in delight, when he managed to calm down he wiped a fake tear from his eye "ah, you remembered, Shally, Shally, you never write, you never visit, in fact just now I made a deal with your lackey here"
"HEY!" I felt insulted, I was no ones lackey.
Sheogorath ignored me and continued "seriously Shal, how long have you wanted those books? Eteeernity?"
The way he stretched that last word made me giggle like a giddy, love sick girl, gods this place was really bringing out my other half.
"Your 'deals' are hardly fair, what farce have you contrived this time?"
Contra-what now?
"Think of it as an adventure" Sheogorath looked like a cat who caught his prey "and don't worry, I've got a surprise for you too"
Someone told me I was going to like the fight that was about to start, where was my cheese and exotic butter?
"I put a tiny curse on these books, just a small one, long story short Shal, you can never, read these books"
I swear I saw fangs in Sheogorath's smile.
"CURSE YOU MAD GOD!" Shalidor shouted before attacking Sheogorath with a beam of purple/blue magic.
However, the mad god yawned as he flicked his hand to create a shield "BORING" he sang "be more imaginative Shal, like 'curse you mad god, may you become cheese eternally knawed by skeevers"
I snorted before it bellowed into a giggle fit.
"See? Even your lackey agrees with me, unfortunately I have no time for constructive criticism. Do stay in touch though"
With a final wave he disappeared in a flock of purple and pink butterflies.
"Pretty" I mumbled as I reached out to touch one of the them, my hand went through and I felt a flutter sensation in my stomach.
"Ooh, that tickled" I'm pretty sure I knew who that was.
"Curse the mad god, I don't know what game he's playing with you, but I do know the stakes"
"At least we have one book" I showed him 'How the Kwama lost its egg' book.
"That's true, but I can't read them so it will take Valaste considerably longer to translate them" he looked at me "are you ready to go and tell her the bad news?"
It's always us isn't it? I nodded "I'm ready"
"Hold still"
He shot me with a purple beam of magic, I blinked and found myself back in the Mages guild. I quickly searched around and eventually found her, she was in the same place as before.
I walked up to her and tapped her on the shoulder since her head was still stuck in a book.
"You radiate an aura of power, does this mean you have the book?"
Of course I radiate power, I just came from a Daedric plane in Oblivion what did you expect?
"I only managed to retrieve one of them, Sheogorath took the others and told me I had to do tasks"
Valaste frowned slightly "well that's a start I suppose, but what of Shalidor, he disappeared in a beam of light"
"Sheogorath summoned him"
Her frown deepened "not good, not good at all, I'll start translating right away but I hope Shalidor gets back soon to help"
I handed her the book while trying to hold back a smirk "Sheogorath cursed them, Shalidor is unable to read them"
"Xarxes backside" Valaste cursed "then this is going to take a while, I'll send word for you when I am finished but do try to check a guild hall from time to time, until next time adept"
She gave me some more gold before taking the book to some location I may never see in the future, oh well, I've got some gold so I guess I could use it on some house supplies, or a new weapon for carving, or flail, a dial? No.
That went well I think.
Couldn't have said it better myself, mad me, but how did you know about Haskills name? I've never seen him before, heck I didn't even know Sheogorath had a chamberlain.
"What do you think?"