Pen Friends (Phan)

Chapter 2

"When?"

It came out as a broken sounding whisper, and I mentally cursed myself over and over for my stupidity, still wishing I could reverse time and hit my past self over the head with a baseball bat before I could say anything.

I looked down at the couch and when I spoke my voice was barely audible, but the deadly silence in the room meant Phil could still hear me easily.

"The day after exams are over. We've already bought a house and we've started packing everything up."

The continued silence on Phil's part made me more nervous and I started to talk just to put an end to the quiet.

"That's why you haven't come round in a while. You would have been able to tell straight away - everything that isn't strictly necessary has been packed up, like photos and other decorations..."

Phil seemed too far gone to register what I was saying and my voice trailed off into nothing, silence falling again. I couldn't really handle it and didn't want to start babbling about nothing again so I fidgeted instead, fussing with a non existent thread on my sleeve, playing with my fingers, running my hands through my hair, anything to avoid looking up at him.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

He whispered it again and he just sounded so hurt that I couldn't help looking up at the catch in his voice, my heart shattering into a million pieces when I did. He was staring hard at his hands, clasped in his lap, and was blinking fast to stop the tears shining in his eyes from spilling over. I felt terrible. Anyone who hurt Phil the way I just had deserved the worst.

"I didn't want to ruin our last few weeks together."

He nodded slowly, then fell silent again. I felt the guilt at hurting Phil start to take over and the back of my eyes stung as tears started to well up. I needed to get out of here before I started crying; I couldn't bear to do that in front of Phil when he obviously already felt crap.

I jumped up, looked at the clock and put on the best cheery voice I could manage, speaking fast and hoping he couldn't hear the tell-tale wobble in my voice.

"Oh is that the time? Well, I really need to get home, my mom will be expecting me for dinner. Um, good luck with the revision and the French exam on Monday if I don't see you before then. See you, bye!"

By the time I'd finished talking I'd already reached the front door and was fumbling with the lock, barely able to see what I was doing because of the tears swimming in my eyes. I could hear Phil scrambling up from the couch and knew I was out of time, twisting the lock desperately and yanking at the door. Miraculously it opened and I slipped out, slamming the door behind me before Phil could get to it.

I hurried down the driveway and turned left sharply, cursing the British weather under my breath for being so temperamental as I wished for a raincoat. Perfectly sunny one minute, raining the next. Typical.

I'd walked past the neighbour's driveway when I heard the door open behind me and Phil calling after me to wait, but I pretended not to hear and walked even faster. Paranoia took over and I could swear I heard gravel crunching, so I ducked my head and ran, doing my best to see where I was going through the tears and the rain and praying I wouldn't run into a lamppost or a postbox on the way.

I didn't care that running away was the weaker choice, I didn't care that if Phil saw me running there'd be no point in hiding how crap I felt and I didn't care that the rain was starting to soak through my clothes. I just wanted to go home, get into bed, go to sleep and leave everything for a future Dan to deal with.

I slowed back down to a fast walk once I was a couple of streets away and got to my house just as I started worrying about getting hypothermia, shivering all over and feeling ice cold despite the surprisingly warm temperature. I'd messed everything up. I'd made Phil hate me, meaning I'd lost the person I was in love with and I had no chance of ever getting him to talk to me again.