A Trip to Eden (name still in changes)

being alone

Loneliness is a thing that I never really learned has to properly cope with. Up until that point I never really had to deal with it and so when I was first introduced to this concept I didn't know how to react.
I wasn't alone physically but at a more psychological level. every weekday I had school and on my off time I had my family, but bullies were always sat next to me and as much as I love my family, they do not replace the cavern in my heart that was supposed to be for friendship.
When I first came into this dilemma, I was at a lost, people were mean and I didn't want to push my problems onto my parents. So I pushed myself into my school work.
At first it was enough for me, but as the weeks drew on I slowly began to feel myself slip into depression.
At the time I had no clue what depression was, and as the weeks drew to months I slowly became aware that I wasn't normal.
I'm half Asian, that's not normal, I was too quiet that was not normal, I enjoyed classes DEFIANTLY not normal.
you are not normal, Not Normal, not NORMAL, NOT NORMAL.
And it broke my little heart.
Slowly I started to throw myself into more things to push away the nagging feeling just below my skin.
Books, shows, planting; the list goes on!
But it just kept in the back of my mind.  And I eventually broke.
It was a special day when it happened, I don't remember quite why, only that they were taking photos of the kids and teachers who were wearing red shirts for some reason.
While that was going on in the hallway, all the children who did wear red were left in their respective classrooms.
Unsupervised.
I remember it was English at the time and miss Smith was the teacher. And while she and a lot of the children in the room where getting pictures taken, I sat in my seat minding my own business when a couple of the "cool kids" surrounded me.
Ally, a dude named Tyler, and kid named Dylan.
Now Dylan was actually pretty nice we shared common interests and he even got the bullying to stop to a crawl before he moved away.
But Tyler was mean, he was a lot like ally in a way, it didn't came much of a surprise that they started dating at the end of seventh grade.
The teasing wasn't bad that day necessarily but I was carrying  all this stress and that class was the just enough for me loose my balance and have it all crash down on my head.
And I did crash.
I don't really remember much other than not being able to breathe and a flow of tears that refuse to quit.
I remember someone rubbing their hand on my back and others trying to get me to stop crying.
Now that I am older, I recognize that this was my first panic attack.
It was scary then and they are still scary now  even if it hasn't happened in nearly a year. Just the thought that at anytime  and place I could loose control of myself... it leaves a tight feeling in my chest that I do not like.
But I did not know this back then, how could I? All I knew was that I was tired of this feeling of inadequacy I had.
The bullying for a while stopped, if there was any positive to come from that day. The left me alone for quite sometime with only my thoughts.
If that was good or bad thing, I still can't tell.
~~~~~~~~
Hello it's been a while.
This chapter was actually mostly finished for who knows how long. I just never felt motivated to post it.
A lot has happened in my life since the last chapter but I would like to leave that to the past for a bit.
Thank you for the support in me coming back to this story.
It means the world to me.
I really want to finish a story for once in my life and I find it a bit ironic that the story I chose to do so technically is going still be on going when it's finished because it's a story about my life.
O