addicted (phan)

Train of Thought (part two)

ELEVEN

After handling all of Dan's protests, the band still decided that they should cancel the concert. None of them could predict how irrational Dan would act tonight, and they weren't going to take the risk. For now they all agreed to keep an eye on him and make sure he stayed alive.

Phil showed up at the hotel where Cassidy and Miles stayed. He knew Dan was in there and wanted to check on him. When he came in, it was only Miles and Cass, and they noticed his confusion.

"He's in the shower," they said in unison.

"How is he?"

"Not saying much. As usual, we don't know how he's feeling. He seems normal, just a bit more tense," cassidy murmured, gesturing for him to sit. He sat in between them, both leaning on each shoulder.

"How are you?"

Phil wanted to say what happened, but the words wouldn't slip out. It felt like someone had flipped on a mute button in his vocal chords, like the words were too painful to endure. If he said it, then it was real, and Phil didn't wanna admit it to himself: that he really lost his long-term amazing boyfriend to someone who was so much more fucked up.

So instead of speaking, Phil let his body talk, and he started crying. They just held him, saying nothing, and everything was comfortable until Dan came out the bathroom.

He was wearing only a towel around his waist, exposing his body. He was muscular, completely clear skin decorated with occasional freckles. Curls fell in front of his face, lips parted, and Phil had never been so crazy for him until Dan opened his mouth and ruined it.

"What the fuck are you here for?"

Phil's emotions instantly went from sad to irritated. "I came to check on you, asshat. I'm in the band- I'm allowed to be here."

"Are you?" He snapped.

Cassidy stood in front of Phil, scowling. "Dan, stop."

"No, let him continue. He never speaks his mind," Phil told the other two, standing up, before nodding towards Dan. "So let me know how you feel."

"You wanna know how I feel? I think you're a pain in the ass," he began, tying his towel and slipping a shirt over his head. "I think you're only here because you don't wanna be alone like you have been your whole life. I think you don't know what you're doing and you're trying too hard to fit in. I️ think you deserve better than me, and-"

"Max broke up with me!" Phil shouted, cutting the chaos off. "And you wanna know why?"

"Maybe we should go. . ." Miles piped in, and the two left to get something to eat, leaving the boys alone.

Phil looked at Dan who was finishing getting dressed. "He left me because he knew that I love you, and not him."

"Phil-"

"You told me that you have feelings for me, Dan. I know it was real. I know you meant it."

"You don't know anything-"

"Stop fucking saying that!" Phil screamed. "I live with you! For fuck's sake, I've been your roommate for nearly two years! I've observed you enough, even though you've never cared enough to notice me. You're the one that hasn't opened up to anybody, even those who care about you."

Dan sat down on the edge of the bed. "I'm tired of fighting you," Phil continued, softer now. "I only want to be your friend, and maybe more. But you have to let me in. Did you mean what you said or not?"

"I . . ."

"You don't know, do you? You don't know yourself?"

Dan shook his head, avoiding eye contact and fidgeting with his hands. Phil lowered onto his knees in front of him, looking up at him. Dan's eyes flickered to his for just a moment.

"I dont know either," Phil whispered. "But I dont mind figuring it out."

"I'm scared, and confused, and just everything bad. I'm sorry I'm such a mess," Dan rambled. Phil took a deep breath.

It was silent as they sat together.

"Do you want to kiss me?" Dan asked, voice quiet and hesitant.

Phil could practically hear his heart pounding, so hard he thought it'd break through his ribcage. He didn't expect such a question. "I think so."

"Are you going to?" They made stable contact then, Dan placing his hands on his face and leaning in. Their lips parted. Phil had never appreciated brown eyes until he was staring into ones that belonged to someone he so much adored.

"I think so," Phil replied, mouths brushing against each other's. And then they were kissing, Dan's soft lips enclosed on Phil's. Phil felt high, but this time he didn't feel like he needed drugs to feel this good. He was soberly exhilarated. The pads of the brunette's fingers gently rubbed his jawline, their mouths disconnecting only to reconnect in different positions.

Dan moved to kiss at his neck, and Phil let him for a bit before his thoughts came crashing in.

"Dan," Phil breathed out. Dan pulled away and looked at him with big eyes. "Do you wanna take things slow? Figure out our feelings together? What if I took you on a date?"

Dan blushed. "You really want to? You don't mind waiting?" Phil shook his head, smiling up at Dan. They both were flashing their teeth, giggling. "Thank you."

Dan moved down and they cuddled up against each other, Phil budging his chin atop Dan's head. "You don't have to thank me."

"I know. I'm just not used to being respected," Dan said casually- too casually that it broke Phil's heart. Phil held him a bit tighter and he felt Dan relax, and they kissed once more before eventually falling asleep.

Maybe this would end, Phil's last thought before dozing off was. Maybe this would end, and that's sad, but for now he decided to be happy that it hadn't yet.