The struggles of acting

Day 1: Friday the shiteith

When I woke up, as I expected I felt like shit. I had a back pain and my limbs were fighting my will to get up. Looking over at my phone I saw that it was four-thirty. I went to sleep three hours ago. I won't go back to sleep and I don't have to be at school for another few hours. For the first hour I sat in bed and play games on my phone not wanting to start the day, not wanting to leave my sanctuary. Now that the idea of acting was in play the outside world scared me. The idea of losing to my trauma scared me. The next hour I wrote a journal entry about my fears for the day. How I would feel if it al, went wrong. And then my alarm went off. Telling me when I should've woken up a whole two hours later than I did.

After showering and drying my hair I decided that I would have way to much to deal with tad any so I made sure my hair was functional. The unruly deep curls had a knack for ruing my life. It's deep color complementing my slightly darker than caramel skin. Up in a ponytail it was. I put on jeans, an expression shirt and a pair of slipper like boots. They looked like Uggs but were bed time slippers. Yes I was wearing them to school. If I was going to get through this day sane I needed it. If you were me you would need it to.

When I went downstairs to tell my dad I was ready to go he felt off. My dad can be a really shitty person when he's upset and after living with him for sixteen years of my life I started to pick up on if he was on a bad mood or not.

He was in a bad mood and I was about to be the but of his anger. GREAT.

Smile Lele, don't break the streak a minute into this.

My father was a middle-aged African American man who was way to proud of a person. The type of proud that caused conflict. The type of proud that made mom leave. As a successful minority he flaunted it. He came from a place where he was to amount to nothing so proving his worth was his daily battle. Not his faults, not even current racism. Society and social standing, the gap between rich and poor. That was the cause.

Without him noticing I took a breath and plastered on a slight grin. And said that I was ready to go. As he walked upstairs to change clothes I decided that while I wait I would make a lunch. I looked for a container to put last nights dinner into but couldn't find one so I gave up. Yeah being positive all the time and giving one hundred and ten percent at everything was really showing through. This is hard already.

My dad walked into the kitchen asking what I was looking for. I told him and he gave me what I call the devils scowl. When he wants to yell but won't. He walked around me and pulled out a container. In order to avoid conflict and breaking the
Rules on day one I averted his gaze and with the slight smirk still intact I scooped out some food, shoved it in my bag and continued to walk towards the door.

FIVE MINUTES IN AND I ALREADY WANT TO BASH MY HEAD IN.

I then heard my dad from behind me. "Do you have something to drink?" I said no and then the unspeakable happened. He huffed in annoyance and went into the kitchen. As if I did something wrong. "I don't need this today. I don't need your random mood swings".  I shouted in my head. But my face was still cool. I smiled slightly, taking the soda from his hand, giving a polite thank you, and walked out the door.

In the car I started  to feel like crap thinking about yesterday. Yesterday was such a crap day and it led to a crap decision of fake happiness. My dads sudden attitude wasn't helping at all. I smiled, more to reassure my nerves then to the cause of self dependency  itself. You can do this.

We picked up my cousin, Melody, from around the corner. We weren't really blood related. More like my dad and her dad are "brothers" and that made us "cousins". She doesn't usually speak to me at school and we have nothing in common. She plays soccer and I avoid any activity including movement all together. So in other words we have nothing to talk about.