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Blurb:
The twelve tribes of Valmyrria are not after the crown, but the properties.
~
Sarigovia has never been this glorious. Golds, riches, jewelries, and oils they conquered from this then prosperous Perched Shadows has led them to barter the king's crown to their close camp, Crontiva with frankincense.
Crontiva gets to take it all, even their trust. While the Merdinio is still on their progress. Who would likely win the war. Seems like the victory goes along with prudence.
Cover:
In terms of the design, it's very simple but I had difficulty understanding the connection to the fantasy genre. Text-based covers are often difficult to nab someone's attention because there is not much happening on the cover. The title and your name are a little blurry, so it is difficult to read. The abbreviation can be seen better than the rest of the text and readers might not know what this says if they look at the cover and not the title. Perhaps consider adding a little more color so readers can understand that this is a fantasy book.
Blurb:
It's too short and could use a few more details to help give a potential reader more information about why they should pick up this book and read it. There are a few different places mentioned in the blurb but their significance to the plot is not clear. You don't have to take the time to share a paragraph dedicated to world-building, but you could use the first paragraph as a way to introduce the world and the characters involved. Why do the readers need to know these countries right off the bat?
The second line is very vague and doesn't provide any information about the stakes. Who is the protagonist and who is the antagonist? It's important to include these details so the readers can understand the obstacles and the consequences of not overcoming them.
CHAPTERS
Chapter 1:
The first chapter starts by explaining where the story takes place and who is telling the story with a couple of markers at the top of the chapter. There are many ways to do this and I think your method is clear and concise enough for the reader to understand. The first three lines appear as though they are being told from a second person POV, which is a little jarring because it's not immediately clear who is saying these lines. There are no dialogue tags to hint to the reader whether they are the ones being addressed or if this is someone else. If the thoughts are by one person or by one group of people, you can group them together in one line and include a dialogue tag at the end (e.g., ...., she/he/they thought.).
There are a lot of characters being introduced in the beginning of the chapter, but the descriptions about their appearance are vague. In order for the reader to distinguish between each character, it's important to not only make their personality unique to them but their appearance as well. If not, the characters begin to blend together and the reader might find themselves getting mixed up with each character. The description of a character's appearance doesn't need to be displayed in list view, you can incorporate a couple of details to start with, such as build, hair color, age, and add in eye color and other features as you describe facial expressions or body language.
The banter between characters is done in a unique way, which breathes more life into the culture of Merlo and Grandeur. Something to consider is your use of passive voice and active voice. You switch between tenses in the same chapter, which can be a little jarring for the reader. You will need to select one tense and maintain that tense to minimize the reader's confusion.
Chapter 2:
This chapter takes place in a different location, Sarigovia. While it is unclear what makes this location and the location and the prior chapter different, it is helpful to provide the location marker at the top of the chapter. However, it would be helpful to provide a brief description about this new place so readers can visualize the scene to the best of their ability. At this moment, the reader knows the story takes place in a fictional world but that's all there is to it. The scenes seem to take place in a "blank room" (i.e., a room without descriptions), which hinder the narrative. Some of the descriptions that are included are unclear. For example, a new character is described to have "castle-like strands" of hair. What does this mean? It doesn't tell the reader the important descriptors like hair color or length. Although this description is creative, it needs to convey similarities or metaphors that the reader can easily understand.
The POV also changes in this chapter but it is not marked at the top like in the prior chapter. We don't know much about Niklaus, so it is difficult to accurately picture his interaction with his younger sister, Nirvinia.
Chapter 3:
There were several choppy sentences that did not flow in the beginning of the chapter. Descriptions should be made in full sentences so it reads smoothly for the reader. The adjectives used to describe nouns in this chapter are a little overkill as it actually impedes the reader's ability to understand what the author is trying to say. It's important to make sure adjectives are used appropriately and with good reason.
Ideas are also presented in a choppy manner. It is not clear why the reader needs to know about what Grand Queen Rafaela imposes in her kingdom. How does this contribute to the plot? While these tidbits of world building are interesting and can be essential in certain cases, it's important to make sure this type of information is presented in a way that contributes to the plot, otherwise it comes across as heavy "telling."
Overall Thoughts:
The story's pacing moves relatively slow and there appears to be a disconnect between chapters. There should be smooth transitions between each chapter so readers will understand their relevance and how they contribute to the overarching conflict. While the markers for location are helpful, there is no meaning behind them. The descriptions are told in a confusing manner, which the reader has no foundation of understanding. Some areas of improvement could be to correct the discrepancies of the cover to attract a potential reader's eye and incorporate more description and personality about the characters and the setting so they do not appear as static and bland. Lastly, it's important to choose which tense to write in, the narrative switches between passive and active voice repeatedly throughout the first three chapters that it disrupts the reader's experience.
