The Adventures Of Sick Bastard

Part 1 of 5

It was a cool and windy October day when Sick discovered that he's gone completely bum broke. The day had already turned quite unfortunate for Sick as he got fired from his job at the sewer mines earlier that morning. He was caught slacking; shamelessly asleep in the women's locker room. It almost wasn't his fault, see, Sick had caught the worst form of cold. He knew he should have called in ill earlier when he woke feeling like crap, however being short on cash left him with no other option than to go to work ill and tired. He should have known.

Sappy and pathetic Sick sat down on the porch of his house. He gazed into the sun and thought out loud, "What now?" Then he pulled out a tiny bottle labeled "Cough & Laugh" out from his pocket and drank it all up.

"My father was right... I'm a mistake. All hat and no cattle..." He threw away the cough syrup bottle onto a big pile of junk that was lying in the middle of his front lawn. Sick closed his eyes and covered his face with his dry, dirty palms. That's when quiet footsteps approached Sick.

"Goodmorning, Mr.Sick! Enjoying your day off?" It was the mailman, Mister ...Church.
All of a sudden, Sick felt an annoying urge to punch Mr. Church right in the face. Of course, as accepted in modern society, Sick quickly swept this twitch of aggression underneath the doormat of his shadowy side and answered politely, "Goodmorning Church! Oh, yes! A day off. A day off from work. Living the life." Sick made thumbs up. "You got anything for me, Roger?"

"Bless you Sick, but you seem a bit down today." Roger paused and nodded his head, "Don't worry, every flower must grow through dirt!"
Sick winced... Flowers? He imagined if this was a different day... If it was a different scenario, perhaps one where he is still employed and able to pay the jail bail, he would totally kick this guys ass.

Mr.Church reached his hand into the mail cart, while he was looking for Sicks mail he shared a short anecdote, something related to his religious life. Meanwhile, Sick tried his best to look polite, fighting back his sociopathic or whatsoever urges.
Few tolerant moments later, Roger gave Sick a fat stack of papers, it consisted of envelopes, magazines, and flyers.
Roger apologized, "Here is the yesterday's mail as well. Sorry, I somehow missed your house last morning. I guess there is a first time for everything, right? Will you forgive me, Sick? You won't tell anyone, right?"
Sick shrugged,"Oh... its fine!! Really!" Sick overacted, "Now go before I change my mind... Haha! Nah, it's fine."
"Ah Sick, you joker! I will be going then." Roger left.
Sick saluted Roger, "Great! See you never... LATTER. See you later again!"
...

Sick decided to go inside in case Mr.Church shows up again on his way back. This man had a really talkative character and it was usually hard to shut him up, some caution and anti-stalking had to be used.
"That optimistic sack of sh..." Sick threw the stack of mail on his kitchen counter and first attempted to make some coffee. The last three spoonfuls of coffee and the last spoonful of sugar went into a cup of yellowish, piping hot water. Sick sat down by the table and took a sip of it. The taste of rust in the water was barely noticeable.
Sick turned his attention to the stack. "Bill, bill, bill...whats this? The monthly subscription of "Cosmowhorian"? What the...?" Sick could not remember signing up for such magazine. It must be a mistake, right? Elsewise, how shit face wasted you would have to be to order that garbage... Curious Sick opened the magazine and read first thing that met the eye.

"Romantic advice 101.
Treat your man.
As you are eating dinner together, say something spicy
like - See how I'm devouring this meat?
That's how I'm going to devour you!"

Sick quickly closed the magazine and threw it into the fireplace. "Roger must have given this by accident. He is really testing my patience." Sick carried on. Finally, he had gone through all the mail and the last thing left from the stack was was a bright yellow flyer.