Into Their Wilderness

The Fuckery that is Lust.

I sat there, under the purple canopy of my queen sized bed and contemplated the decision I wasn't sure I'd undertake. And yet, I dared to term it a 'decision' in the first place, scaring away my own reasoning and perhaps all things sane.

Adrian, Adrian, Adrian...his name might as well have been Lucifer itself. I smirked silently at that thought, but then that smirk slowly faded away. And one word came to my mind: Lust.

Because this is honestly what this was all about, the lust: the overpowering sensation that I'd never experienced with people who I had been in relationships with either- I'd wanted him like I've never wanted anyone else. Theirs was a connection built on the pillars of sexuality and physical touches that somehow seeped into their everyday friendship. I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame; too much, too close. I knew what this was, but I also knew my expectations had grown. Or in actuality, they hadn't diminished. I still expected him to behave the same way he did when they sent those first risky texts, unsure of how the other would react. It was something beautiful, in a completely fucked up manner.

We'd never had sex, heck we'd never even kissed. But I saw the way his eyes lingered, especially when I was with Julian...the ex I irrationally dumped because apparently, 'things weren't the same anymore'.
'Sex was the consolation you have when you can't love', it was truer than ever for I craved his touch every single night. And honestly, I believed the human body was the greatest work of art; simple gestures could ignite the worst of flames that burnt in the most exquisite ways.

I slid off my bed and walked over to the oak dresser. Sighing softly, I opened the third drawer and my hand slipped to the very end, searching for that one brilliant material. Before long, I grasped the silk and yanked it up.

I must've been insane to ever purchase this.

Holding the silk lingerie up, it seemed I was noticing the neckline and intricate, yet revealing patterns for the very first time. It was all too much I decided, shoving it away once again. What was I even thinking...I mean, I sure acted as if I was going after all. I'd never even been to Ole' Shilly! The rumours were frightening...
They said corpses turned up mysteriously some nights, that the place was haunted and no traveller in their right mind would ever pass through. But our city was close by, and we'd never heard such rumours here except from those people who loved to gossip and never actually resided here or in that town. It scared me to think that I would willingly decide to meet Adrian in such a town. Like I said, my reasoning was inadequate.

My mind wandered and I thought about that lingerie again...would he be appreciative if he saw me in it...what would his mouth feel like on my skin..

And then I slapped myself. Why was I thinking such things and actually having such God forsaken thoughts!

...But he burnt holes in my skin with his mouth; and it hurt to look at him, but it hurts even more not to. That simple lusty craving for him had evolved into a need; not knowing that need is a very dangerous thing. It is not a want that can be abolished or a desire that can be satisfied. It harbours unfathomable dangers that indistinctly impact your life. I was a rational person; there was no point misleading myself into thinking his proposal was one of 'just friends' or merely innocent. No, if I was doing this, I would have fun myself, but without any delusions whatsoever.

I wanted the man.

I walked across my room once again, swung open the closet I'd faced for years...and begun pulling out various articles of clothing. Simultaneously, I grabbed my phone and searched the weather forecast for the next few days, contemplating when to travel. I had come to a decision after all, bets not to kid myself about it.

There was no rush after all. Adrian could wait. And in light of such a thought...I'd pose an answer the same way he had- I'd write a letter of my own. But even in light of everything I thought of, Ole' Shilly kept popping back into my head. Amongst all these ideas exhibiting nuisance, that town lingered persistently within my mind, mocking me..much like his words had.

I contemplated, not whether I was going now, but how safe would it be. What if something happened to me...or him?
And almost immediately, I shook my head. Silly! How stupid of me to think such weary and idiotic thoughts..
It was a town surrounded by rumours, and rumours as oft untrue as they are false. I was meeting someone I yearned for since a very long time, a silly old town wasn't a matter of retrospect or worry right now. Such thoughts were for children who feared the monster under their beds or the bogeyman, not a grown ass woman like myself.

Adrian, I decided, was messing with me. Having chosen such a town, he knew it would unsettle me because of the mystery it was shrouded in. He had of course done it intentionally. The dickhead.