The Jesus of Suburbia

Restless Heart Syndrome

I remember something my mother told me years ago. She sat on the edge of my hospital bed as loud, snake-like machines gave me blood and took my pulse.

"Hard times make you stronger, Red. You'll become a man when there's no other choice."

Then she had leaned over and pressed her lips to my forehead.

I think about her words today as I walk farther and farther away from her cold body. After today she wouldn't be my mother, not legally.

It didn't quite make sense yet.

I hadn't known what to say to my mother that day. At the moment, I hadn't felt very strong. Things hadn't changed.

It seemed like I'd been trying to prove something to myself over the past seventeen years, and I wasn't there yet. I'd been trying to prove that I was a man. Was there another choice?

With shaking fingers I pick up the tie again and attempt to tie it. It ends up looking fine after what seems like a thousand more tries.

The boy in the mirror isn't someone I recognize. I haven't looked like this in at least five years.

My hair was a sandy blonde and it lacked the restraining gel it usually had. It was wavy on its own today which felt strange.

My shirt was a dark grey with small white buttons which I wore a dark red tie over. I wore black pants that were unusually loose, different than my regular skinny jeans.

Is this being a man?

I wasn't sure yet.

I looked between the mirror and the door behind me. I'd have to go out sometime, I was just being a coward.

Pushing away all my thoughts of insecurity and the memories that flooded my brain without permission, I opened the door and stepped into the hallway.

Joseph stopped as he was walking down the stairs and turned towards me. "Morning Re-"

His jaw closed hurriedly and a look of fear came over his face. Then his expression softened and he sighed in a nervous tone.

"What the hell happened to you? You look... Different. Blonde."

I shrug and shove my hands in my pockets uncomfortably. That wasn't the response I wanted. "I used to be blonde and then I copied your dad and now I'm going back to blonde."

"He's going to be your dad too." Jakob piped in as he stepped out of his room in a little bow tie and button up shirt. I fail to understand why people do this to their kids, or was it his choice?

"One hour and seventeen minutes." Joseph says as if he's been counting it down. Really, he shouldn't be so excited. It's making me nervous.

Closing my eyes couldn't keep the words out as the judge said them.

"James Kiane Armstrong."

That didn't sound right. That wasn't me.

I shake my head and open my eyes again. "It's Dexter. James Kiane Dexter."

Five people are looking at me with surprise and disappointment.

The judge cleared his throat and looked down at the papers, adjusting his collar. "Are you sure? This is the only chance you have to change your name. Well, unless you do it on your own later." He looks up at me with stupidly serious eyes and clears his throat again.

"Yes, I'm sure. If I write my own music, I don't want to get famous under his name." I look over at Billie who doesn't look surprised at all. He nods a little and adjusts his tie before looking at the judge. "I understand that. James Kiane Dexter it is."