Unsent Letters of the Heart 2

24 - An Open Letter to My Mr. Almost

I can still vividly remember the first time I saw you after the batch reunion. You were walking in front of a mall, while looking for something across the street. I sent you a message that same night just to inform you that I saw you. Little did I know that it would be the start of the special friendship that we have right now.

I didn't know much about you. During our conversation, I browsed your profile to get a hint of what's up with my former high school batch mate. You were a bit arrogant, but I was able to manage it. You were so different from high school. I knew you for being so quiet, but it's the other way around now.

From then on, we frequently exchanged messages through Facebook. You were so transparent with the current state of your heart. I found out that you were depressed and downhearted. I was able to relate with your stories because I was once there. You asked me for advice, and I gave as much as I could.

We went out for the first time to catch up personally. I saw a man full of passion and enthusiasm with his career. I felt that you were so happy with what you've achieved now. I am proud of you.

We went out again for swimming. It was an unforgettable night because I was able to meet some of your awesome friends.

As days and weeks passed by, we had constant communication. Most of the time, you were so insensitive. Nonetheless, your wit and humor compensated for the insensitivity.

I can't remember when and how I started to feel this strange feeling towards you. I don't know what it is about you that makes my day complete whenever I see your name in my chat box. You always put a smile on my face every time I think of you.

Slowly, I entertained ideas that I shouldn't have.

I was blinded by the spontaneity of laughter and late night talks. I was neglectful of the red flags. I thought I could resist but I became weak. I tried to get out of the situation.

I always thought that this was just a temporary feeling and might go away so long as I didn't give in. Months passed and we saw each other more often. We allowed ourselves to enjoy every moment that we have.

I gave my best to make you happy. You gave your worst to me. I sustained the lame treatment–I endure the wretchedly manner of conversation that I experienced from a guy.

You made me feel that I was a failure as to my career and love life. Yet, I stayed because deep inside, I know that you have a good heart. I saw that beyond those words, you're a good person. I believed your capability to love intensely should you be given a chance again.

We went out of town and it was the best feeling so far. I felt the love. I felt that you're also into me. But I was fooled. I thought that we shared a mutual feeling, but I was wrong.

I gave in because you asked me. I gave in because you said you loved me. I gave in because you said we should take risk. I gave in because I love you.

You made me emotionally unstable when you said that we should take it slow after our first out-of-town trip. You were so inconsistent. I was shocked. I was momentarily frozen by that "conversation."

I was so depressed. I wanted to scream. I wanted to slap your face. I wanted to get angry with you. I wanted to cry. I wanted to bombard you with nasty words.

I wanted to award myself for being the most stupid person I ever met. I felt the invisible "stupidity crown" around my head. I was so stupid to believe in you. Pathetic.

I said that I should stop seeing and talking with you. I said that what's happening between us is purely craziness. But I want to prove myself that I can get out of this situation without abruptly cutting off the line.

Slowly, I suppressed all the emotions that I felt for you. I chose to retain the friendship and picked up the broken pieces of me after the incident. I managed to eliminate the sweetness and care. I showed the other side of me because I don't want to give the impression that I'm so much into you. But you saw through those defenses. Clever, even. I might think that you took advantage of it.

Weeks passed and you continuously showed up. Consistent good morning greetings and mid-day conversations were still in–until that night when you read your letter for HER. It crushed me.

It broke me.

As you read the letter, I felt the pain inside of you. I felt the loneliness and emptiness in your heart because you deeply miss her. I felt that you still love her so much. I realized that you're just longing for someone who can fill in the emptiness. I realized that it was me.

I want to thank you for allowing me to hear that letter and waking me up to what the score really was between us.

Thank you for being so honest. I want you to know that I have no regrets allowing myself to love you. Because of you, I realized my capacity to love a person despite his his brokenness. I realize that love is really a decision. Not just a mere feeling.

How you describe and how I saw your treatment for her is very different from what I can see right now. She must be a lucky girl. I learned to embrace your love story.

I thought of leaving you from the very moment. But you told me please stay because you needed me. So I stayed. You said that let's take a chance. Let's take a risk. You said you might consider sharing your dreams with mine. You said that we could surpass this situation. You said "please don't give up."

So I hoped for it and I gave my best. I almost gave my all.

Another month had passed and we continuously saw each other. I enjoyed every moment with your friends and family.

Suddenly, I found joy in their company. I forgot that you're still on the process. I forgot that I shouldn't feel this way. I forgot that I needed to burn some bridges to create distance between the two of us. And so, everything happened spontaneously.

Whirlwind. Frightening. Scary. Liberating. Yet, beautiful, delightful, and memorable.

A day came that I invaded your privacy. Unintentionally, I saw pictures and exchange of messages that totally wrecked me. I was fooled to convince myself that we are going somewhere beautiful.

I was fooled into believing in the impossible. I am ashamed to accept that I'm losing myself already in loving the wrong man. I'm in love with the wrong person. Something strange made me realize how foolish I am.

I want you to know that you're one of the best and worst things that has happened to me. You came so unexpectedly, but made a great impact in my life. Thank you.

But I guess the time has come. Letting go of this feeling won't be easy. This will be a long process. I don't know where to start. I don't know how. I will extremely miss your laugh, stories and humor. I will miss everything about you.

Let's give time for this special feeling. Move on with your life without her (If you wish to).

Exhaust all resources that you have to restore your life. Love yourself. And I will stress that out.

You really have to love yourself because you cannot give what you don't have. You cannot give love again if you don't have it. Be courageous. Know that you are so blessed in so many ways. Believe me, you're one of the bests. You are special and everyone around you can see that except you. That makes me sad. Be confident to face all the challenges that'll come into your way.

I am pretty sure that you can conquer them all. You have the guts. Be brave and know that you are worth it.

God bless you. You'll always be included in my prayers.

Love,
The girl who loved you amid your brokenness 

Letter found at: https://www.femalenetwork.com/relationships/an-open-letter-to-my-mr-almost