Footnotes

thunderstorms

the day i had found that the weight of my body wasn't as heavy as the notions that i was pulled away from people i cherished, was the day i broke down crying in the middle of the street.
my mind was heavier than my limbs, and my lips trembled more than the tropical ocean during storm season.
i learned to read your reactions to the world from the very first time, the day i had one arm to hold each of you. i made a silence promise to always protect you, even if that meant you'd end up hating me.
every time i heard your whimpers of pain and fear from above my bed, i knew it was time to play fortress of solitude, and that you two would fight over who was batman, and who was Superman, when the designated spot for Kara was already taken.
you two were enough of a strong force in this world to make not take those very last three pills that would've rot my organs putrid beyond repair.
i never saw the world in your eyes but i'd never, for a split of a second, take back everything i did to protect you.
because when your mother's voice produces the sentence "if you say one word, your pretty little brothers will pay and you'll have to watch." you do everything beyond you and more to stop it from happening.
i produced smiles out of the roots of my utter fear simply because guarding you from my truths was easier than planting a seed of hate in your innocent hearts.
i never thought i'd end up doing this.
i dreamed about it. every night.
it'd make me a hero, wouldn't it? isn't that what your comic books chanted about? if the villain dies, the world is safe.
i'm sorry for not being glass-window clear enough for you to see that storms in my eyes matched the ones you both feared so much outside. i suppose weakness wasn't something i liked displaying. if i was scared, you'd have no hope, so i swallowed my bitterness like black coffee with no sugar.
(i still like it black)
i wouldn't know how to continue had it not been for the soul that i was looking for, for so long.
you'd like her if you didn't let your predicament over what /I/ did condone her and dictate a verdict that's hardly, if not remotely accurate.
she nursed my wounds with love, compassion yet not with pity, and that taught me that despite what i've been proven all along, there are some people that genuinely care left in this world.
i can't fathom the idea of ever getting your forgiveness,
but at least
i saved my world just one more time.