For Jonghyun // 🌸🍃🖇

18 December 2017

(very bad grammar and words ahead, this is just sth i wrote down this night)

Today, the 18th of december my dear, dear, dear, dear Jonghyun passed away. I really don't know how to put this. All I know is that I can't believe that he's gone. My whole Instagram timeline is full of his face and people talking about how much he meant to them. I know I'm just one of the many, but here I go:

To be honest I really don't know where to start. I'm really trying to get something out of myself, but I'm speechless. It's heartbreaking to see everyone so sad including me. He was and still is a true angel, but just in a different place. I really hope he rests in peace now. One thing that I really want to get of my chest is that it hurts. Mentally and physically. My heart is literally crushed into pieces. Jonghyun, the person who kept me from killing myself has died, because of that exact reason. I know it's useless to write about and I know it's stupid, but I really hope that somewhere deep down. In his heart, his oh so beautiful heart. He knows that he is loved by many. He has meant and still means the world to me. I have been crying since I found out and it really hits me every second that he's not around anymore. He isn't breathing at this moment and he's not smiling with his members. It has not even been a day since he has left and I already miss him with every single second I've spend on earth. I thought I would die in 2017. But i did not. I want him to know that he saved my life and that I'm so thankful for him. It hurts so much to not be able to thank him anymore. My handwriting is slowly getting sloppier and sloppier since I can't really see with tears in my eyes. He has braught me happiness in so many ways and I really hope that in some way he knows. I'm not religious, but I actually prayed. I prayed when we weren't sure if he has actually passed away. I begged. I begged with every inch of my body, with every tear that dropped. I wanted to give everything up. My dancing, my writing. Everything. Just for him. I'm still waiting for the moment I wake up from this terrible night mare. But I know I won't. I'm afraid to go to sleep. Usually when something happens I dream about it and I really don't want to see him. I really don't want to see him on his way to the hospital. I don't want to see Minho fainting. I don't want to see all the Shawols outside the hospital. I don't want to see anything. Forget Christmas, forget my birthday. Forget everything. All I want is Jonghyun back and I just started crying again because I know it's not possible. I know it's not possible to bring people back from the dead. But if God exists. Please, please take care of him up there. Everytime I scroll through Instagram. Seeing you smile it hurts, because maybe it wasn't even real, but we loved you're smile. We loved to see you smile. We smiled because you did. Just how dumb I was. Just why couldn't I see. Why couldn't I see your sadness. I feel bad. I feel guilty. I feel so many things at the same time, but also emptiness is somehow in me. I don't get what I'm feeling. It's like I've lost my bestfriend, but you didn't even know me. My dream was to see SHINee. As a whole, just at a concert. I wanted to see all of you having fun, being happy with what you do. But I realize life doesn't work out. It never did to be honest.

I hope you're being welcomed up there. I hope you don't see me crying. I hope you don't see everyones pain, but we miss you. I used to always say "stay healthy and take care" but I guess I'm too late. I hope you rest in peace. I love you so much, more than I could ever explain to you. and it hurts. Way too much. I wish I could write more, but I can't, I'm overly filled with emotions.

stay strong Shawols.

I'm speechless

A/N: sorry that I haven't updated my story yet. I promise you I'm working on it. I don't think it's coming soon. I'm just so devastated. If you're struggling with anything please go talk to someone you're worth it I promise. I miss Jonghyun already and I don't know how to even explain this. I really wanted to put my thoughts somewhere but I didn't want to do it on Instagram because all I see is his face and videos of him crying or smiling. I keep having mental breakdowns, but please take care of yourself guys.
stay strong :))